


Bilba and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by ISeeFire



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Female Bilbo, Female Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Fluff and Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-07
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-20 02:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2412197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ISeeFire/pseuds/ISeeFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU Crack/Humor/Fluff - Bilba and Thorin get into a fight and, as they are both prideful and stubborn, neither one can quite bring themselves to simply admit to their part and apologize. Bilba finally has enough of the stalemate and decides the most brilliant and epic solution ever would be to kidnap Thorin and lock him in the basement until he gives in, admits it was all his fault and begs for her forgiveness . </p><p>It's possible she might have been a WEE bit drunk when she came up with, and executed, this plan. Of course now that she's done it she can't back down. That would be like admitting Thorin was right...somehow. She's not quite as firm on that point but what IS clear is Thorin looks far to smug for a kidnap victim which means she is certainly not admitting her plan was not the most epic and well thought out plan in the history of epic and well thought out plans. </p><p>Even when she realizes Frerin might have been a witness meaning she has to kidnap him too...and Dwalin shows up acting all suspicious so of COURSE she has to kidnap him........</p><p>There just MAY have been one...or two TINY flaws in her plan after all but that doesn't mean it wasn't still epic! Thorin will rue the day he crossed her!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thorin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Drenagon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drenagon/gifts), [Lady_Juno](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Juno/gifts).



Sooooo, Bilba’s grand plan had seemed much more intelligent, and a lot less insane, the night before. That was when Primrose had finally convinced her to try a new nightclub, "The Prancing Pony". She didn't drink so hadn't been interested in the alcoholic beverages but then she'd seen a drink with the word tea in it and she LOVED tea so she'd tried one and had really liked it so she'd had another and then another and then...well...

She'd had a really epic idea. 

One that now didn't seem _quite_ as epic as it had under the influence of so much tea, no matter how delicious it had been. 

It was possible, in hindsight; that the sharp taste of the tea had been more than just spices and a unique blend she'd never tried before, as Primrose had insisted.

Bilba made a mental note to tell Primrose what she thought about that later, once her headache had subsided, and she'd figured her way out of her current predicament.

She chewed on her lower lip and adjusted her position slightly on the low coffee table, studying said current predicament.

A foot or so in front of her, Thorin lay slumped across the couch, his frame taking up most of it. He was still unconscious from her...slightly chloroforming him.

She wasn't even sure where she'd _gotten_ the chloroform. It wasn't like she could just pick it up off a store shelf.

Getting _Thorin_ , on the other hand, had been surprisingly easy.

She'd just called him.

From what she could remember that is. She knew she'd called him but wasn't sure the words she'd said had been entirely coherent. She also wasn't sure where she'd called him from. Her last clear memory was being at the nightclub. 

Regardless, though, Thorin had come. She vaguely remembered telling him there was a leak in the basement, a fact he'd taken as a personal affront as he'd built the basement. After that she had a few snatches of memory, sneaking up on him with a tissue she'd sprayed with chloroform, tying his hands with a rope she'd gotten out of the garage.  

And, now, here they were.

When she’d first awakened, only a few moments earlier, sprawled out on the floor next to the couch, she’d been hopeful the memories floating through her head were the result of a really bad…and admittedly weird, dream.

She crossed one leg over the other and rested her elbow on it, bringing her hand up to chew worriedly at a nail. Her head pounded and she felt grimy and worn out but couldn't bring herself to go hunt down an aspirin yet.

She glanced down around the basement idly as she waited for Thorin to wake up. Instead of digging under her house, Thorin had excavated under her backyard. Her exceptionally large backyard, creating a massive space with a high ceiling. The entire room was paneled in light colored wood and floored with beige and tan ceramic tiles. The ceiling overhead had several skylights, tinted from the outside for privacy. They could be raised several inches to allow a breeze in during good weather days.

Thorin had built a kitchen, bigger than the one in the main house, and a full bathroom behind a half wall at the back citing the area could be used as a guest apartment when needed.

After he'd finished Bilba had come in and taken care of the decorating. She'd added large plush rugs for the floor, a couch, chair, coffee table and furniture for the kitchen and bathroom. She'd touched it off with photos on the wall, plants and, of course, her books stacked on the shelves and bookcases built into three of the walls.

The fourth wall held a built in oak entertainment center. As a surprise for Thorin's last birthday, Bilba had bought the largest, most high definition television she could find for him.

It was a beautiful room.

She hadn't been in it awhile, not since the fight they'd had a week or so earlier. Thorin had stormed out and, according to Dis and Frerin, was waiting for her to apologize and admit she’d been wrong.

She snorted. She had no intention of apologizing or admitting she’d been wrong when she hadn’t been. Admittedly, she was no longer entirely sure what the fight had been about but she was certain that, whatever it had been, it was Thorin’s fault.

Therefore, he should be the one to apologize...and admit he was wrong, about whatever they'd been arguing about. She had a vague idea it might have had something to do with a television show they'd been watching. They both had a tendency to get very intensely involved about shows.

Whatever, end result was he was wrong and she was right so...there.

He was to stubborn to ever admit it on his own though and, quite frankly, she was tired of him being gone. It was no fun yelling at the characters on "Game of Thrones" if Thorin wasn't there to add his own commentary.

Thus, her not-nearly-as-brilliant-when-she-was-sober plan. Just kidnap him and keep him in the basement until he admitted he was wrong, about whatever it had been, and apologized. She’d magnanimously accept and they could move on with their lives and…put this whole…kidnapping thing behind them. Hopefully in time for the new season of "Game of Thrones", slated to start in just a few days.

Maybe...maybe if she just untied him now he'd forget about the chloroforming part and she could just get him to apologize by offering him pancakes? He liked pancakes.

She started to edge forward, hoping to slip the ropes off before he woke up. 

Thorin, naturally, chose that exact moment to start to wake up.

Unaccommodating bastard.

His eyes blinked open and she quickly scooted back on the table, straightened her back, threw one leg over the other, crossed her arms and tried very, very hard to school her expression into an "I know exactly what I'm doing" look.

"Ow," Thorin muttered, "what--" He'd lifted his hands to his head as he spoke and paused as he caught sight of the ropes on his wrists. "What?" He turned his head and caught sight of her. He raised an eyebrow. "Something you'd like to explain, Bilba?"

Not really, she thought. Maybe there was still a chance. He could just...overlook the whole, incident, and she could pretend he wasn’t tied up and they could just...move on.

He pushed sluggishly to a sitting position, his hands on his lap. "Well?"

Double unaccommodating bastard.

She put her chin up, exuding the essence of defiance. "Is there something you'd like to say to me, Thorin?"

He'd been studying the ropes. Now he glanced up at her. For a second he simply studied her, and then a glint of what looked suspiciously like amusement crossed his eyes.

That was it. She was selling his precious DVD collection on Ebay.

"I don't know, Bilba," he said, clearly fighting a grin. He cocked his head and leaned back on the couch. "Is there something you'd like me to say?"

She started to answer but stopped as, for the first time, his clothing caught her attention. He was dressed in a deep, royal blue dress shirt, the first few buttons open, slacks and dress shoes and a heavy trenchcoat. She recognized that coat. She'd bought it for him. She'd thought it made him look majestic. She liked it when he looked majestic. Sunlight pouring through the skylight glinted off the thick, white gold band on his ring finger, sparking off the square cut emerald embedded in the metal. She focused on it and felt her ire rise.

"You're awfully dressed up," she said, jealousy coloring her tone. "Hot date last night?"

His amusement went from barely hidden to overt. Very slowly and deliberately he raked his eyes down her body, taking in the remnants of her hairstyle, earrings, necklace and makeup, short sleeved black sweater, denim miniskirt, dark tights and knee high, heeled boots. "You're one to talk."

Bilba glared at him. "I went to that new nightclub Primrose keeps going on about."

"And got spectacularly drunk," Thorin agreed with a nod.

"I did not get drunk," Bilba lied defensively. "I had something with the word tea in it."

"Tea?" Thorin was openly grinning now. "Long Island Iced Tea? You do realize that's not actually tea, right?"

"Obviously, I do now," Bilba muttered. "That's beside the point though. We're not interrogating me. We're interrogating you."

"Right," Thorin answered. His eyes went to her left hand, lingering for an instant on the ring she wore. It matched his only thinner, the metal wrapped twice around her finger in slender strands almost like a thin ribbon. There was an opening formed in the top, into which emeralds and sapphires had been arranged, making it almost look as though she wore a bouquet of gems. "Yesterday was my wife's birthday. I'd hoped to take her out to celebrate."

"Did you now?" Bilba said, widening her eyes in mock surprise. "That's funny. I could have sworn your _wife_ wasn't speaking to you."

"She certainly seems to have changed her mind," Thorin said dryly. He raised his hands. "So, now that we have that out of the way, mind explaining this?"

"I would think it's obvious." Bilba pushed to her feet in an attempt to appear more commanding, only to stagger as a wave of dizziness hit her. Black dots swirled in front of her vision and her entire body sagged.

Arms caught her and, when things cleared, she found herself seated on Thorin’s lap, his arm around her waist and her body and head supported against his chest and neck.

Wait a minute, her mind supplied, his arm?

She looked down and saw the ropes no longer on Thorin's wrists where they should be but pooled in a pile on the floor.

Straightening she glared at him. "How did you get those off?"

"They weren't on," he replied dryly.

"You liar." She leaned forward on his lap, his hands steadying her, and gathered up the ropes. "I have excellent knot skills. You did something."

"Your knot skills are worse than Kili's were when he was five," Thorin responded. "I don't think you even had any knots. You just looped the rope around my wrists."

"I did not."

"You did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Not."

"Did."

"Not."

"Did."

"I did not!" Grabbing his wrists she pushed them together and began winding the ropes around them. She'd show him who had lousy rope tying skills.

He watched for a few minutes and then said, "You know, I didn't think it possible but your rope tying skills are actually _worse_ when you're sober. I could do better tying myself up."

"Oh, yeah?" Bilba dropped the ends of the rope and crossed her arms over her chest again. "Let's see it then."

He shrugged and carefully transferred her back to the coffee table. He then proceeded to pick up the ropes and, in a few quick moves, had them around his wrists complete with a complex knot.

"I hate you," Bilba growled.

"Pretty sure you don't," Thorin replied, sounding altogether too happy for a guy who'd been kidnapped by his own wife.

"Whatever." Bilba stood up again, managing to not fall over this time thank you very much. "You're going to stay here until you admit you were wrong and apologize. I'm going upstairs."

“Really? You think it was only my fault?" He stood up, standing far too close to her. Bilba held her ground, refusing to budge, even though that meant her nose was about level to his breastbone.

She scowled. “Obviously."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I seem to recall you were being rather unreasonable as well.” He lifted his hands again. "Not to mention this is just a _bit_ extreme, don't you think?"

"I have no idea what you’re talking about." Bilba said airily. She waved her hand at him. “Get on with it. Admit you were wrong and apologize so I can forgive you and we can...just get on with it."

His eyes narrowed. "You kidnapped me. I think that means you have to apologize first."

"There's no rule about that!" Bilba retorted. "You first."

"I'm not apologizing when you have me tied up!"

"You tied yourself up!" Bilba replied. "I just supplied the rope!" She waved her hand at him again, imperiously. "Now, go ahead. Apologize."

"Kidnapper first."

"Kidnappee if he wants to leave the basement."

His eyes narrowed. "No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

Thorin was clearly having far to much fun with all of this, Bilba thought in irritation.

He was studying her, a knowing look in his eyes. "We are a matched pair," He said finally. "You're as stubborn as I am.”

Bilba gave a huff of disbelief. "I am not. You're the stubborn one. I'm the one with the brilliant plan."

He snorted. "More like you kidnapped me  when you were drunk, realized it was poorly thought out once you were sober but are too proud to admit you made a mistake." He gave a wide smile, making him look years younger. "It's probably what I would have done."

"No," Bilba stammered. "I -- I know exactly what I'm doing." She stared pointedly at his...chest. "You're the one who needs to apologize--"

"You kidnapped me," Thorin cut in, amused. “I think that warrants you apologizing first.”

Bilba lifted her head and looked him in the eyes...which was a mistake because he had that intense look that did all sorts of things to her insides. "No," she said, lamely, "You need to apologize and until you do you can just sit down here and...think about what you've done." Whatever it had been.

His eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Do you even remember what we were arguing about?"

"Of course I do!" Bilba said, stamping her foot. "And you were wrong and need to admit it."

He grinned. "I don't think so, Love. We're past that and onto the kidnapping your husband incident now."

"You only say that because then I'd have to apologize and you'd be off the hook," Bilba mumbled.

"So you do admit you're wrong," Thorin said in triumph.

"I do not!" Bilba argued. "I--" 

She didn't get a chance to say anything else...not that she was sure of what she would have said other than it would have no doubt been amazingly witty and smart and…stuff.

He lightly grabbed her chin, ducked his head and gave her a long, slow kiss. A second later he pulled away and smiled at her. "As you wish."

Bilba flushed and moved away from him, trying to pretend she hadn’t just gone weak in the knees. Clearly kidnapping him had been a terrible idea on more levels than she’d originally considered. "Did you just quote 'The Princess Bride' at me?"

He gave her a cocky look. "Maybe."

Bilba rolled her eyes. "It didn't even make sense saying it right there. You just said it to try and distract me." She looked at her feet as she spoke, but not to hide a smile of course...just because she wanted to see what shoes she was wearing was all

He chuckled and she gave a huff of annoyance, turning away from him and stalking to the stairs.

He was such a jerk. Being all suave and...pretty...and romantic when he should be in awe of her impressive kidnapping abilities.

She reached the stairs and stomped up them, quickly reaching the door at the top. She wrenched it open, stepped through, then shut it and locked it behind her.

As soon as did she leaned against the door and dropped her head against the wood with a groan.

She was so, so screwed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Frerin

She found aspirin and a glass of water, downed both, and then made her way upstairs to the master bedroom.

Her black Persian cat, Smaug, was sprawled out over Thorin’s side of the bed. He blinked lazily and growled as she walked in, bright orange eyes fixed on her.

Bilba climbed on the bed and picked him up, burying her face in his fur. He continued to growl but also snuggled against her, begrudgingly. He liked her, despite what Thorin said, she was sure of it. Thorin was just jealous that he and Smaug didn't have a good relationship. She firmly believed it was because Thorin insisted on calling Smaug a hell minion, thus hurting his feelings, but Thorin claimed it was simply that the cat was, indeed, a spawn of evil.

She put the cat down and he promptly went and flopped across Thorin' s pillow. Bilba got up and went to the closet. Thorin’s clothes were all on his side, his shoes lined up on the floor next to her own. She absently picked up the sleeve of one of his shirts, running her hand along the fabric. She wanted her husband back, blast it all. Why couldn't he just be reasonable and apologize? It was definitely his fault. If he hadn't been so pig headed about...whatever it was they'd been fighting about...then he wouldn't have stormed out, she wouldn't have ended up drunk on her birthday and he wouldn't have gotten himself kidnapped.

She dropped the sleeve and nodded to herself. He only had himself to blame. Bending down, she grabbed her favorite pair of wedge sandals, skinny jeans, and a new sweater and carried them into the bathroom. She showered quickly, tamed her hair as best she could, and got dressed. As a final touch she added earrings, a silver chain necklace and makeup. She didn't usually go that far on the weekends but she might as well let Thorin know what he was missing by being stubborn.

Giving her appearance a quick once over in the mirror, she went back into the bedroom. 

As she did she found herself wondering what was in the fridge in the basement. She couldn’t remember having stocked it and was fairly certain Thorin hadn’t either.

Well, it would just be an incentive for him to hurry up and apologize faster.  

She flopped on the bed with a groan and shut her eyes. The bed dipped beside her and she felt Smuag's paws as he clambered onto her chest and settled down. He liked to sleep on her chest. Thorin claimed he was trying to kill her by compressing her lungs.

Thorin was an idiot...though Smaug was pretty heavy. If Thorin had never said anything she'd probably have stopped allowing the cat to sleep on her. As it was, however, he'd had to open his big mouth meaning she had to let the cat sleep on her all the time just to prove him wrong.

Maybe she should leave him in the basement until he admitted to being wrong on that point too.

She closed her eyes and draped an arm across her face. As she did more memories from the night before started to hazily float across her mind. She could vaguely remember coming up with her plan which, at the time, had seemed quite amazing. She could also somewhat remember calling Thorin. He'd tried to get her to tell him where she was and, when she wouldn't, he'd gotten her to hand the phone to the bartender. Then a song she liked had started playing and she'd decided to go dance to it. The next memory she had was of Thorin and Frerin...

Thorin and Frerin...

Frerin...

Her eyes snapped open and Bilba shot to a sitting position. The movement threw Smaug off her and he yowled in irritation before stalking to the end of the bed and curling up in a ball of pout.

Frerin had been at the bar, Bilba realized in horror. Thorin had been staying with Frerin. Frerin would know Thorin had gone home with her.

And since Thorin had clearly not returned to Frerin's it could only mean he was still at her house.

Bilba drew her legs up on the bed and started chewing on a nail again. She had no doubt Frerin would contact her at some point to check up on her. If he did that he'd doubtlessly ask about Thorin. She _could_ lie and claim he'd left...except his car was probably in her driveway and neighbors might notice if she moved it...not to mention walking home from moving it would be unpleasant. Unless she got someone to help her of course but then that would just be compounding the problem because she'd have Frerin _and_ the other person knowing something was up.................................argh, this was all Thorin's fault. Why couldn't he have just gotten a motel room like a normal person? She'd been counting on being able to hold him for the weekend at least, long enough for him to see how serious she was and do the right thing. If he still held out until Monday..........well, she could always.........she could always.....um........she sighed and flopped on the bed again.

Stupid Thorin. If he didn't apologize by Monday she'd have to let him go because if she didn't he'd miss work which would be bad because massive companies like Arkenstone tended to notice when their CEO's didn't show up and then his family would start worrying and her conscience wouldn't really let her take it _that_ far and then someone would probably call Dwalin and the thought of having _him_ going all suspicious and homicide detective on her was kinda terrifying and....WHY DID SHE HAVE TO DRINK THE STUPID TEA THAT WASN'T TEA???????

She sat back up again, her hands clutching the sheets and her eyes wide.

She knew what to do.

 _Exactly_ what to do. It would solve all her problems in one fell swoop.

She would kidnap Frerin.

Scrambling down the bed she scooped up Smaug and hugged him, causing him to growl at her in his "I will fillet you if you don't knock it off" tone. She set him down and reached over for her phone, only briefly pausing to wonder how it, and her purse apparently, had gotten into her bedroom when she was sure they'd been beside her in the basement when she'd woken up.

She punched in her code to unlock it, shot a dirty look at the picture of Thorin she used as her wallpaper and pulled up her contacts. She was nearly giddy as she accessed Frerin's and quickly sent him a message.

_Hey, are you up?_

The answer was almost immediate.

_Sure am, Sweetheart. How are you feeling?_

Bilba responded, breaking the message into several texts to get it all across.

_Better. Embarrassed. Thanks for bailing me out._

_Anytime._ He wrote back. _Thorin up yet?_

Ok, Bilba thought, now was the moment of truth. She had to answer in such a way that didn't arose suspicion yet invited further correspondence in the same vein. She took a deep breath and put her fingers to the keypad.

_No._

She held her breath, lip pulled between her bottom lip and her hand clenched in anticipation.

_Alright. You need anything? Aspirin? Coffee? My terms for not releasing the video of you dancing on a table?_

Bilba nearly choked. He'd made a _video_? The bastard. There was no doubt he was a Durin. The slight guilt of kidnapping him evaporated, not that it had been very high in the first place since he'd forgotten her birthday along with the rest of his family sans Thorin. Anyway, she'd get his phone and delete the video now so it was like a bonus to kidnapping him.

She gritted her teeth as she wrote back.

_LOL. That's what I get for not being able to hold my tea I guess! Hey, you know what I could use? Breakfast, if you don't mind. I'm not feeling up to it._

She waited imagining the multiple pings as the messages went through.

_Sure, anything in particular?_

_No. Whatever you want. Thank you!_

_No problem. I'll be over soon._

_Ok._

Bilba dropped the phone on her bed and punched the air in victory. Take _that_ , Thorin. She threw her arms out and collapsed back onto the bed, again. It was a really comfortable bed. Maybe her plan hadn't been such a bad one after all. Thorin would surely capitulate and admit to his wrongdoing now that she'd have his baby brother to hold over him. Not only that but she'd get the video she hadn't even known Frerin had before he could post it on his Facebook page and tag every person he knew.

He knew a lot of people.

Smaug pranced up her leg and collapsed onto her chest, his legs sprawling out on either side of her body.

She stayed where she was, breathing shallowly thanks to Smaug's weight, until she heard the doorbell ring. She got Smaug off her, ignoring his loud complaining, and jumped up to head downstairs.

She flung open the doors to reveal Frerin standing on the other side, a large pastry box in his hands. Frerin looked like a slightly younger version of Thorin, just as Kili looked like a slightly younger version of Frerin. Durin blood was particularly strong with only the occasional rebellion as in the case of Fili who looked like his father.

The thought made her wonder what her own children with Thorin would look like. That thought was followed almost immediately by a burst of irritation. They wouldn't be having _any_ children if he didn't shape up and admit to his wrongdoing...and maybe tell her what the argument had been about.

"Frerin!" Putting on her biggest smile she leapt forward and threw her arms around him. He wrapped his free arm around her waist and lifted her a foot or two off the ground. As he did she let her arms drop slightly and quickly edged his phone out of his pocket.

"Hey, Sweetheart," he said, "I have come as ordered." He let her go, stepped back and swept into an elaborate bow. Bilba laughed, sliding his phone into her pocket with one hand while she pulled him inside with the other.

As she did she noticed a large bag hanging off his arm. "What's that?"

"I brought some of the stuff Thorin's been keeping at my place," Frerin explained. "He up yet?"

"He might be," Bilba hedged. She stepped behind him and closed the door. "He's in the basement. Come on."

She started walking and heard him fall in behind her. "The basement? Why there? I figured he'd be on the couch at worst."

Bilba shrugged, mentally scrambling for an explanation. "I don't know. I was a bit out of it, remember? I think he just likes the TV down there."

She sped up, hoping to get there before he came up with more questions.

It was as she was stepping up to the door that it occurred to her Frerin might wonder why it was locked.

She clasped her hands in front of her and whirled, stopping so suddenly he nearly ran into her.

"You know what?" She said. "I just realized we don't have any plates in the basement. Would you mind grabbing some?"

"Sure," he said. "I'll be right back."

He turned toward the kitchen and Bilba sagged in relief. Kidnapping people was much harder work than she'd thought it would be.

She unlocked the door and had the key in her pocket by the time he returned, a stack of paper plates setting on top of the pastry box. As he approached she opened the door and motioned him forward.

He stepped through and she prepared to slam the door behind him...only to stop as the smell of pancakes wafted up from the basement.

Pancakes? They had pancake batter down there? Thorin must have stocked the kitchen when she wasn't home. So much for her grand plan of using food to make him give in faster...not that she hadn't screwed that one up already just by having Frerin bring something.

"Bilba?" Frerin had stopped on the top stair and was studying her. "Are you coming?"

Her stomach growled and Bilba felt her mouth watering. She loved pancakes. Thorin knew she loved pancakes.

Bastard.

She stepped forward and Frerin turned and continued down. Bilba headed to the top stair and gripped the railing, looking over the edge.

Thorin was just walking from the kitchen with a heaping stack of pancakes on a plate.

He wasn't tied up anymore, because he was a jerk and didn't understand basic kidnapping etiquette.

He glanced up as he set the plate down, his eyes locking on her. "Really, Bilba? Kidnapping my brother now? Don't you think you're letting this get a little out of hand?"

Frerin stopped where he'd just stepped off the bottom step. "Kidnapping?"

Thorin grinned at him. "She thinks if she holds me down here I'll give in and admit the argument was my fault."

"That seems a bit extreme," Frerin said dryly.

Thorin shrugged. "She was drunk but doesn't want to admit it."

" _She_ is right here," Bilba groused.

"So," Frerin headed over and set his box on the coffee table. "What do I have to do with it?"

Thorin answered before she could. "Probably realized you were a witness and might interfere with her entirely well thought out plan."

She could hear the sarcasm dripping off his voice and sneered at him. Her plan was well thought out. It was working so far, wasn't it? "Do you plan to give up yet?"

Thorin grinned at her. "Do you plan to admit you kidnapped me because you were drunk and it was a terrible idea?"

That didn't deserve an answer, Bilba thought so she just glared at him.

Frerin dropped down on the couch and Thorin handed him a plate and indicated the pancakes. He looked back up at her. "You want to join us?"

Bilba rolled her eyes. "No," she groused. Obviously. Kidnapping Etiquette Lesson Two. Idiot.

He shrugged and sat down next to his brother. "Tell you what. I promise to not overpower you and heroically escape while you're eating."

Beside him, Frerin had already started heaping his plate with pancakes, one hand going for the syrup and butter sitting next to the plate. Bilba watched him, mentally cursing everything from Thorin to pancakes to Long Island Iced Tea.

Thorin stood up again and approached. Bilba watched him as he came up the stairs and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Come on, Love. You can't kidnap on an empty stomach. Eat now, kidnap later."

Bilba glared at him even as she let him lead her down the stairs. "You're not taking me seriously."

"I always take you seriously," Thorin countered with a grin. "It's why I made pancakes, to try and appeal to your merciful side."

"You could appeal to my merciful side by admitting you were wrong and begging for forgiveness," Bilba muttered.

She allowed him to lead her to the couch and hand her a plate. On the couch Frerin grinned at her around a mouthful of food. "So, what happens if Thorin and I get bored?"

Bilba felt her eyes widen. Oh crap, she hadn't thought of that. She already _knew_ what happened when Frerin and Thorin got bored. The family had an emergency plan in place to deal with it. They even had a coded system - Threat Level Yellow was Thorin was bored. Threat Level Orange was Frerin was bored. Threat Level Red was they were both bored and Threat Level We're all Screwed was they were both bored and had called Fili and Kili.

She immediately set her plate down and walked over to the entertainment center. She swung open the doors to the lower half, revealing the gleaming PS4 and a row of game cases. She grabbed two wireless controllers and a game. She put the disc into the PS4, turned on the television and walked back to the table. Thorin and Frerin both immediately moved to allow her to get in between them. She sat down just as the logo for "Call of Duty" appeared on the screen and dropped the controllers on the table.

"There," she said. "Kill all the things."

Frerin immediately yelled, "excellent!" and lunged forward to grab one of the controllers.

Bilba started to lean forward toward the food only to have Thorin hand her a plate already filled with pancakes, syrup, butter, utensils and chocolate éclair from Frerin's box. She gave him a suspicious look but took the plate and settled against the back of the couch. She idly kicked her shoes off and put her feet on the edge of the coffee table, balancing the plate on her knees.

Frerin grinned at her, somehow managing to juggle his controller and food at the same time. "Want to play me, Bilba?"

Thorin snorted from her other side. "I wouldn't. We play at least once a week. She's pretty good."

He was leaning forward, elbows braced on his knees, watching Frerin as the game started. Bilba leaned forward enough to grab the second controller and hand it to him. "Since you don't plan on staying tied up like you're supposed to, you play him."

He gave her an amused look over his shoulder. "It's a little hard to cook when you're tied up."

Bilba rolled her eyes at him in response and settled back again to watch the two try to kill each other on screen.

She would totally get back to her role of kidnapper right after she finished her pancakes.

Allowances should always be made for pancakes.

 

 

 


	3. Dwalin

Bilba swam slowly back to consciousness.

Wow, she was really, really comfortable. She could feel the plush cushions of the sofa under her side. There was something soft under her head but it didn't seem to be a pillow.

Still, all in all it was a much better situation than the last time she'd.............................

Oh, crap.

Trying to keep as still as possible, Bilba opened her eyes. She was lying on her side on the couch as she'd thought. Her head was on Thorin's thigh, though he'd apparently removed his coat and put it under her as a pillow. Her feet were lying in Frerin's lap. Huh. She vaguely remembered getting more and more tired, and also recalled Thorin taking her empty plate away before she dropped it. After that he'd slid an arm around her and coaxed her to lay down and, being as tired as she was, she'd entirely forgotten why that would be a VERY BAD IDEA.

Thorin and Frerin were caught up in their game. Bilba never understood the purpose of the "Call of Duty" games. The entire goal seemed to be shoot each other or shoot everything else. Sometimes, with Thorin and Frerin, it was both.

She carefully slid her legs off Frerin's lap and sat up.

"Thorin," she said conversationally, "why didn't you escape while I was sleeping?"

He didn't look away from the screen. "You know why. You had your hell minion guarding the exit."

Bilba got up and went to the stairs. At the very top Smaug sat, unblinking, staring down at her.

Uh-oh, she may have forgotten to feed him. He got a little scary when he hadn't been fed.

Frerin shouted something unflattering at Thorin. He responded by smirking, he had a lot of experience with that, and kept his eyes on the screen.

Bilba rolled her eyes and went up the stairs, scooping up Smaug on the way. Once she got out she shut the door and locked it behind her.

She'd taken all of three steps when her doorbell rang.

Smaug growled, warning her what would happen if she didn't feed him immediately. She set him down and headed to the door, just as the bell rang again.

"Alright, already," she shouted. "I'm coming."

She got to the door, unlocked it and wrenched it open, intending to shoo away whoever was on the other side.

"I'm sorry," she started to say, "I don't really EEP!"

Her words cut off in a totally not-girlish shriek as she saw Dwalin filling her doorway. Much like Frerin, he held a bag in one hand but her mind barely registered it, to caught up on the fact that a police detective was standing in her doorway while she had her husband and brother-in-law locked in the basement.

"Dwalin," she squeaked, her entire body ridged, "what are you doing here?"

He held up a power drill. "Returning a drill I borrowed from Thorin. He and Frerin here?" He looked over his shoulder. "I noticed their cars in the driveway."

Bilba opened her mouth and then closed it again, then opened it again and closed it. "Uh...." she finally managed to get out, "Thorin?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Yeah, you know, your husband? You two made up I take it? Figured you would, yesterday being your birthday and all."

Bilba's eyes narrowed. So he _had_ remembered it being her birthday the day before but just hadn't bothered to acknowledge it? Why? Because she and Thorin had been fighting?

He turned back to her and she stiffened again, her mind moving back to the fact that she should be scared of him at that exact moment, not mad.

Her mind raced, struggling to figure out what to do. She couldn't take the drill and tell him to take a hike. He'd be expecting to see Thorin and Frerin. She couldn't let him in, however, for the exact same reason.

He frowned. "Are you alright?"

Bilba made a sound somewhere between a whimper and a whine and did the only thing she possibly could do.

She ran like hell.

She caught a brief glimpse of his startled expression and then she was gone, back out of the room, past Smaug shredding her curtains in an act of vengeance and stopped short just before she slammed into the basement door.

"Bilba?" She could hear Dwalin coming toward her across the house. "You alright?"

Bilba scrabbled to get the key out, unlocked the door and fled through it. "Thorin!"

He was already rising from his seat on the couch, his face alarmed. "Bilba? What's wrong?"

Bilba nearly jumped the last few steps, ran across the room and swung around behind Thorin. He hadn't put his coat back on so she grabbed fistfuls of his dress shirt, pulled in until her entire body was pressed against his and buried her face between his shoulder blades.

Footsteps sounded on the stairs and she let out a whimper, pressing even tighter against Thorin if that was even possible.

It was possible when one was properly motivated.

"Thorin," she heard Dwalin say. "Frerin."

Both men answered before she felt Thorin moving as though tossing something. "Here, take over my spot."

"Sure. She alright?"

"She's fine." The shirt was suddenly gone from her hands and Bilba looked up to see Thorin looking down on her, his hands clasped behind his back.

He looked like he was having far, far to much fun.

He took a step forward and she automatically stepped back. He moved forward again and she stepped back, the sequence repeated a few more times until suddenly her back hit the wall. Thorin braced his hands on the wall, on either side of her head, and leaned in, trapping her easily even though he wasn't actually touching her.

Bilba's eyes widened. He was definitely having fun. In fact, going by the look in his eyes, it was entirely possible he was having more fun than the time Kili had called from college and convinced Thorin to come over at midnight and help him and Fili toilet paper every single car in the dorm parking lot.

Every. Single. Car.

As in, they'd gotten so worked up and excited by it they'd inadvertently toilet papered their own cars.

He'd been having a _lot_ of fun.

"So," he said casually, "what's wrong?"

Bilba reached out and absently grabbed his shirt again, just above his belt. "Dwalin's going to arrest me," she said, keeping her voice low.

Thorin raised an eyebrow. "For what?"

She scowled. "You know for what! For kidnapping you and Frerin!"

"Oh," Thorin said. "So you're admitting you did something wrong then, is that it?"

Bilba gaped at him. "Thorin!" she hissed. "This is serious! I could go to jail!"

"Hmmm," he smiled. "Only if you did something wrong. Did you?"

Bilba glared at him and then looked down at her hands. Idly she worked at his shirt, unbuttoning two of the buttons and then redoing them again.

He was wearing an undershirt, she noted, the bastard. She didn't see him for days and then he finally showed up and he was wearing an undershirt.

She sighed. If she admitted her kidnapping plan was wrong, in any way, she'd never get Thorin to admit that he'd ever been wrong which meant she'd basically be admitting to being wrong twice, in the original incident and the planning of her kidnapping. Not to mention the actual kidnapping itself which would be three wrongs.

Thorin would never let her live it down.

Ever.

He'd be telling it to their grandchildren who would pass it down to their children. It would become a part of Durin family lore. Generations from now her descendants would look back and say, "Bilba Durin? Oh, you mean the one who was wrong _three_ times in a row?"

She steeled herself and looked back up at him. "I'll make you an apple pie every day of the week if you keep me out of jail."

A gleam entered his eyes. "Every day for a month and I get tickets to the Super Bowl."

"You already have tickets to the Super Bowl," Bilba shot back. "I saw them hidden in your sock drawer. Two weeks and I don't get mad about the tickets."

He frowned. "Week and a half and you use one of the tickets to go with me."

She glared at him. She hated football. He knew how much she hated football. It was why he'd shaved time off the apple pie making dates. He'd basically transferred the balance to the other item he wanted.

"Fine," she said, "Deal."

He grinned. "Deal." He kissed her, hard, shifting his weight to physically press her back against the wall.

"Get a room," Frerin ordered from the couch.

Thorin broke off and looked back over his shoulder. "I have a room. You're in it."

"Well that'd be your wife's fault now wouldn't it," Frerin replied happily.

Thorin looked back at her. "I have the solution to your problem."

"What is it?" Bilba asked hopefully.

He shrugged. "You'll just have to kidnap Dwalin."

Bilba gave him a look that clearly told him just where he'd be sleeping for the next month and started to push past him. "I'm burning your tickets."

He grabbed her around the waist, spinning with her to face the room. She tried to push his arms off but he simply picked her up and set her down a foot or two in front of where Dwalin sat playing the game on the sofa.

"Trust me," he whispered, burying his face against her neck for an instant. He then stepped away and said, "Dwalin, Bilba has something to say to you."

Dwalin lowered the controller and looked at her. "What's up?"

Bilba stared at him, her mind going on tilt. She clasped her hands in front of her and wrung them slightly.

Behind her, Thorin coughed.

BIlba made the sound that Thorin always claimed resembled a guinea pig, because he was a liar and a jerk, and grabbed the pastry box on the corner of the table. Holding it up she thrust it out at Dwalin and said, "I'mKidnappingYouSoYouHaveToStayWouldYouLikeADonut?"

He studied her a moment, then shrugged and grabbed a donut out of the box. "Thanks."

Bilba managed a slight smile. She put the box down and backed away, letting out a small shriek when she backed into Thorin. Without thinking she patted him on the chest and then fled, scrambling across the room and back up the stairs.

Once out the door she slammed it shut behind her, locked it, pulled a chair over to shove under the handle, added a few more things and then sat Smaug on top.

Then she backed up and stared at it, gnawing on a finger as she did.

This had gotten out of hand, she decided. SO completely out of hand.

She needed them to leave her basement. Before word got out that she'd kidnapped a _police officer_.

Problem was Thorin would never leave on his own and she couldn't let them out without admitting defeat.

She would need another way.

"Oooo!" she said suddenly. "I know!"

She spun on her heel and rushed to her room. There she grabbed her purse and phone and came back downstairs. It was only as she reached the living room again that it occurred to her she'd left her shoes, her favorite pair no less, in the basement...and that Dwalin had said Thorin and Frerin's cars were in the driveway, which meant hers wasn't, and she knew it wasn't in the garage.

She walked to the front window and peered out but saw no sign of her car at the curb. She gave a low moan and dropped her forehead against the glass. No doubt Thorin had driven her home from the bar the night before, leaving her car in the parking lot to be picked up later.

Slowly she crept back to the basement door and, piece by piece, dismantled everything she'd stacked in front of it. Smaug had already gotten off and was off somewhere, probably destroying something. She really should feed him at some point soon before he found a way to set something on fire, again.

She unlocked the door and opened it a crack. She could hear the sound of the video game and the low murmur of voices but nothing else.

She opened the door wider and stepped through onto the landing at the top. "Thorin? Could you come here please?"

He appeared at the bottom a moment later. "What's up?"

"Can I have your car keys? And can you get my shoes?"

He went back to the couch and retrieved her shoes. He then returned, reaching into his pocket for his keys as he did. Once he had them he started up the stairs toward her. He looked really good climbing stairs, Bilba thought. Of course, Thorin looked really good doing just about everything which was patently unfair.

He reached her and held the keys and shoes out. She took her shoes and slid them on. She then grabbed the keys only to have him catch hold of her belt loops and tug her forward into probably the single most searing kiss she'd had all month. When he let her go she staggered a bit only to have him wrap his arms around her waist and press his forehead to hers. "Where are you going?"

"Just out," Bilba said. She put her hands on his forearms, absently running them along his sleeves. "I'll be back soon."

"You're not planning to lock us in are you?" he asked mildly. "What if your little hell minion sets the house on fire again?"

Bilba stiffened. He had a good point. She hated it when he had a good point. "If I leave the door unlocked do you promise not to escape?"

He pretended to give it some thought. "I could possibly be convinced."

Bilba frowned. "I'll go to the Super Bowl and wear a jersey."

His eyes narrowed. "For the team I'm actually rooting for?"

She scowled. "Fine."

"Deal." He kissed her again and then pulled back with a grin. "Probably should cut back on that before we traumatize my brother."

"Your brother is already traumatized," Frerin's voice called. "I'll need therapy for years."

"About time you admitted you need therapy." Thorin shot her an amused look and headed back downstairs.

Bilba left, carefully shutting the door but leaving it unlocked.

Then she hefted her purse, clutched the keys in her other hand and headed toward the car.

It was time to get some backup.

 

 


	4. Fili & Kili

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only going to get (more) ridiculous. :P :D Also, I realized I can combine some of the chapters meaning this may be the only time in history you ever see one of MY stories actually get SHORTER. :P :D

Thorin drove an Audi.

Bilba was not a fan. She liked her little, non-descript sedan. Maybe she should take his car and drop _it_ off in the bar parking lot and pick hers up.

She sighed and tightened her grip on the steering wheel, keeping the car on course to her destination. If she left it at the bar it'd most likely get stolen and Thorin would have a heart attack.

That would be bad.

If he had a heart attack she'd have to take care of him and Thorin was a _terrible_ patient.  She could remember once in high school he'd had a broken toe from a football game where he'd taken a blow from another player.

Another player on his own team.

Frerin.

It had been Frerin.

Anyway, Bilba had decided to be the dutiful girlfriend and look after her boyfriend.

That had been a mistake.

She still had nightmares.

Now when he got sick or injured she made him go stay with Dis. It had proven to be good for him. He always seemed to recover twice as fast there as he did anywhere else.

If he had a heart attack, though, she'd probably be expected to take care of him since that was a little more serious than a broken toe or cold.

So no leaving Thorin's precious Audi in the bar parking lot.

She turned a corner, the engine giving a throaty roar that, she had to admit, was pretty cool. Several people on the sidewalks gave her appreciative looks, mainly men. A few women tried to, only to scowl when they saw her driving. Bilba frowned at that. Did Thorin get a lot of appreciative looks driving the Audi? He got enough appreciative looks as it was. If he was getting more from the car then clearly the only solution was to switch cars with him. He could drive her car and she'd drive his.

See how many appreciative looks he got then.

A upscale high rise apartment building appeared in the distance and she pressed the accelerator slightly, arriving a few minutes later. She fished out her ID and showed it to the guard at the gate to the parking garage. He checked her against the list of approved visitors and then buzzed her in.

Bilba parked, got out and headed to the elevator. It had plush carpeting inside and the walls were mirrored. She swiped her ID again against a panel on the wall and, with barely any movement, the elevator started to move up.

The ID caused the elevator to bypass all other floors, which was nice. The quicker she got back the less likely Thorin would be to find some loophole about promising her not to leave. He was really good at finding loopholes. Of course, so was she, but that was beside the point.

The elevator slid to a smooth stop and the door opened to reveal the penthouse apartment. Directly in front of her, across the massive living room, the entire wall was glass giving a spectacular view of the city. The carpet she stepped out onto was so thick her feet sank into it. It was a sand color and it, combined with the windows and beige colored furniture, gave the room a clean, streamlined feel.

"Dad?" She moved forward, expecting to see her father-in-law step out from the hallway or from one of the numerous rooms in the place. "Dad? Are you here?"

She hoped he was. If not, she could always go and try to find Thror she supposed, though he was a lot farther away, and more than a little insane. Still, either of them would work. She'd just have them call Thorin and say they needed him for...something. Thorin would be forced to leave. Frerin and Dwalin would no doubt go with him and she could end the kidnapping without it being obvious she was the one ending it, thus avoiding any need to admit she was wrong in any way, shape or form.

It was a perfect plan, much better than the kidnapping plan.

She should definitely make more plans when she was sober.

"Hey Bilba. What are you doing here?"

Bilba froze, her hand gripping the back of the sofa.

No.

Freaking.

Way.

She spun, as slowly as possible, desperately hoping she had not heard the voice she thought she'd heard.

The person standing in the door to the hall was not her father-in-law.

Bad plan, Bilba's mind supplied, bad, bad, bad, _bad_ plan.

"FIli," Bilba said, her voice only slightly shrill. "What a surprise."

Horrible, terrible, _bad_ , surprise.

"I was looking for Thrain," she continued. "Is he here?"

"Nope." Fili walked closer. He towered over her, forcing her to have to look up slightly to see him.

Everyone towered over her, particularly if they had Durin blood.

It was patently unfair.

Fili was barefoot, she noted, and dressed in cargo pants and a faded t-shirt. His hair was mussed as well and there was a telltale heavy lidded look to his eyes.

"Did you just wake up?"

He nodded, yawning. "Yep. Grandpa Thrain went mountain climbing and said we could stay here while he was gone, as long as we promised not to let Uncles Thorin or Frerin come over."

A cold feeling shot through Bilba. "Did you say we?"

"Aunt Bilba!" A new voice shouted. It came from behind her, the direction of the master bedroom.

Bilba did _not_ shriek.

She may have whimpered, just a bit.

A klaxon began sounding in her head. _Red alert! Red alert! Retreat! Retreat!_

She turned just as Kili threw his arms around her and picked her off the ground. When he put her down a few seconds later she could see he was dressed similarly to his brother but at least looked to have been awake awhile longer.

"So," Fili's voice came from behind her. "What's up, Aunt Bilba?"

She swallowed and tried to smile innocently. Her purse had slid off her shoulder when Kili hugged her and she clutched it in both hands in front of her like a shield.

"Nothing. I was just looking for Thrain."

"We got that," Kili said dryly, crossing to stand next to his brother. "How come you didn't just call?"

Because she'd thought she had a better chance of getting him to help her if she explained in person. Thrain was notoriously easily to distract, especially if he was on the phone. Everyone in the family knew the best way to get him to do something was to go see him in person.

"I just wanted to see how he was doing," Bilba lied, backing away toward the door. "He's....kind of old....you know...and frail--"

"And currently climbing a _mountain_ ," Fili said. His eyes narrowed. "What aren't you telling us?"

"Nothing!" Bilba insisted. She reached behind her, trying to find the button to call the elevator but it was clearly conspiring against her and had moved. "I was just -- I mean I -- I was going--" Her mind hit upon an idea. "I have a leak! You know, in my house. In my...pipes. I was going to ask him to fix it."

Both boys crossed their arms over their chests and studied her.

"Why would you ask Grandpa?" Kili said finally, his tone suspicious.

"Particularly since he's utterly useless with those types of things," Fili said, his eyes suspicious.

"And," Kili continued, looking at his brother, "when Dad is a plumber and lives two blocks away from you."

"Your Dad...wasn't home," Bilba said slowly, "and it's a...big...leak."

Neither one believed her.

At all.

They were like...junior bastards.

It was undoubtedly Thorin's fault. He was a terrible influence.

 "Tell you what," Fili said suddenly. He started heading back toward his room. "Kili and I know a lot about plumbing. Dad taught us. We'll go with you and fix the leak for you."

"Yeah!" Kili said. "Hold on. We'll be right back."

Both vanished back into their rooms, leaving Bilba standing frozen by the elevator.

"Oh," she finally said in a very small voice, "that's -- that's just -- great."

She turned and nearly lunged at the elevator, slapping her hand frantically on the button to call it. If she could make it to her car and get back home she could lock the door and not let them in. They'd probably just get distracted and move onto other things but, even if they didn't and followed her she could just pretend she wasn't home.

The bell dinged quietly and the doors slid open. Bilba jumped in, turned, and shrieked as both boys stepped in after her.

"Sorry," Kili said, "We didn't mean to scare you."

The doors slid shut and Fili hit the button for the parking garage. Both boys leaned against the wall, one on either side of her. They didn't look much different, Bilba noticed. She was fairly sure all they'd done was put shoes on.

The elevator reached the garage a few minutes later and let them out into the underground garage. Bilba stared walking, slowly, toward the car.

"Dude, is that Uncle Thorin's car?" Fili said, upon spotting the sleek black car. He spun around so that he was walking backward, facing her. "Could I drive it, Aunt Bilba? Please?"

Bilba got the keys out and handed them over with a resigned sigh. She might as well, maybe she'd get lucky and they'd get in an accident and she could be in a coma.

Thorin wouldn't hold being wrong over his wife who'd been in a coma would he?

Her shoulders slumped.

He just might.

Kili went to the passenger side and held the door open for her. Bilba quietly got in and he shut the door and hopped in the back seat.

Fili got in the driver's seat, nearly giddy with excitement.

At least one of them was, Bilba though sourly. As soon as they got home the boys would see Frerin and Dwalin's cars. They'd expect to see them meaning Bilba would have to either let Thorin go without making him apologize, meaning she'd be admitting defeat, or she'd have to kidnap Fili and Kili along with the others.

There was no way she could kidnap Fili and Kili.

No. Way.

It would mean Fili, Kili, Thorin _and_ Frerin would be locked up, together, in the basement with only Dwalin for supervision.

Kidnapping her husband was one thing.

This, though, was on an entirely different level.

This was...this was inviting _catastrophe_.

They would get _bored_. She knew they would. They would get bored and then...a cold chill settled over her as she remembered the last time they'd gotten bored.

She still couldn't bring herself to eat string cheese without having flashbacks.

"Bilba? Bilba!"

Bilba jerked in surprise. With a start she realized they'd left the garage and were heading rapidly away from the complex. She also realized she'd been gnawing on her knuckle so hard she'd left marks in the skin.

Oh, and Kili had been apparently trying to talk to her for several minutes, and the fact she hadn't answered was probably suspicious.

"Yes?" She asked, turning in her chair to face him. She put as innocent a look on her face as possible. Maybe, just maybe, she could pull it off...somehow. Get them in and out of her house without having to admit defeat or doom the world.

And maybe Thorin would suddenly decide to take up ballet.

"I thought you and Thorin were arguing about something," Kili said. "You made up?"

"Clearly," Fili replied. "Or else she wouldn't be driving his car."

"Maybe I stole his car," Bilba said petulantly. "Did you think of that?"

Kili hung over the back of the seats, his head near her shoulder. "Did you?"

Bilba looked down. "No."

She should have. It was a really good idea.

Stupid hindsight.

She absently toyed with her ring, turning it in a circle. "Thorin decided to admit he was wrong and the argument was all his fault and apologized."

"Really? Fili said in surprise. "That doesn't sound like him."

Bilba shrugged. "It was my birthday after all." Which you both forgot, her mind supplied rebelliously.

"Huh," Kili said, his tone unconvinced. "I guess that makes sense."

Bilba started gnawing on her finger again.

They arrived back at her home all too soon and, as expected, immediately noticed the other two cars.

"Uncle Frerin and Dwalin are here?" Fili asked. "Why didn't one of them fix the leak?"

"Um," Bilba hesitated. "I...didn't know they were here. They must have arrived while I was out."

"But Uncle Thorin was here?" Kili asked. "Why didn't he fix it?"

Bilba was rapidly rethinking her desire to have children.

"He's not good with leaks," Bilba said. At that moment Fili pulled the car to a smooth stop in the driveway and Bilba took the opportunity to hop out of the car before Kili could ask more questions.

She hurried up to the front door and unlocked it. The boys caught up to her before she could get in and accidentally lock them out and they all went in together.

Fili stopped in surprise at the silence in the house. "Uncle Frerin? Uncle Thorin?"

Kili stepped along beside him. "Dwalin?"

"Maybe they went for a walk," Bilba said. Oh!" She whirled suddenly, facing them. "My car wasn't out there! I bet they took that!"

Fili frowned. "Why would they take your car when Dwalin and Uncle Frerin's are so much larger?"

"And why were you driving Uncle Thorin's car if you car was available?" Kili asked. "You don't like Uncle Thorin's car."

Bilba pretended not to hear them. She sat her purse down on a table. Fili handed back Thorin's keys and she shoved them in a pocket.

Once this was all over she was buying Dis a spa package. The poor woman deserved it.

Movement caught her attention and she looked to see Smaug standing on top of a nearby bookcase, slowly scooting a vase toward the edge. She hurried over and reached up to grab him but he was to high. Muttering under her breath she pushed up on her toes and tried again. He gave her a smug look, then deliberately scooted back a few inches, putting himself just out of her reach.

Fili stepped up behind her, reached up and grabbed him by the scruff of the neck. Smaug growled at him, his claws out. Bilba held her arms out. Fili gave her a worried look but handed the cat over. Bilba settled him on her shoulder, where he continued to growl and snarl to himself, and then grinned at the boys. "I forgot to feed him. I should do that...like right now."

"Sure," Fili said. "Just point us to the leak and we'll check it out for you."

"Um," Bilba thought fast. "The kitchen sink." Wait, no, the kitchen was far to close to the basement.

To late.

Fili and Kili were already heading toward the kitchen.

Bilba gave a low moan and followed them.

Inside she set Smaug on the counter and got his food bowl. While she got his can of food from the freezer Fili and Kili dropped down and opened the cabinets under the sink.

Bilba chewed on her lip as she got Smaug's bowl filled. Smaug hunched on the counter, watching her. He had a slight problem with grudges. It would probably be awhile before he forgave her.

Hopefully he'd take it out on Thorin.

She sat his bowl down in front of him only for him to sniff at it, put his nose and tail in the air and strut away.

"I don't see any evidence of a leak," Fili said, half under the sink.

"Oh," Bilba said. "Maybe Thorin fixed it after all." She gave a nervous laugh. "Looks like I dragged you both out here for nothing. Sorry."

"Hey," Fili said, "You know what? We should check the basement."

"What?" Bilba said, shaking her head. "Why -- why would you do that?"

"Just to be safe," Fili said, already heading toward her basement door. "We'll check your whole house for you while we're here, bottom to top."

"Oh." Bilba stood rooted to the spot, her mind desperately selecting and discarding ideas.

Kili followed his brother and Bilba woodenly hurried after.

Kili got to the door first and opened it. Immediately the noise of the game system sounded from below and he looked at her with a grin. "I think I found Uncles Frerin and Thorin!"

"Awesome," Fili said, "maybe they know where the leak is.

And, with that, they both bounded down the stairs into the basement.

Bilba stood in the doorway a moment and then, with a sigh of defeat, started down after them.

Just as she reached the bottom she heard Frerin happily explaining what was going on to Kili who responded with "Really? I wanna be kidnapped too!"

Fili had dropped into the recliner near the couch and was watching Dwalin and Frerin play while Kili sandwiched himself between them.

Thorin was in the kitchen, putting together drinks. When he saw her he came toward her. Bilba ignored him, purposefully turning her back to him and staring at the screen.

He slid his arms around her from behind, pulled her back against his chest and rested his chin on top of her head.

Because he was a jerk.

"So," he drawled causally, "you were excited about running to get the boys?"

"Shut up Thorin," Bilba muttered.

He chuckled and she frowned at how triumphant it sounded.

Thorin wasn't an idiot, unfortunately. He couldn't be to run a company like Arkenstone. He knew full well the amount of trouble he, Frerin, Fili and Kili got into and that she couldn't afford to leave them alone together.

Which meant she now had to let them go, which meant he got to hold it over her head for life.

He slid his arms back until his hands were on her waist and turned her to face him. She stood stiffly in his arms, refusing to give in.

"Come on, Bilba," he said mildly, "You're not really considering leaving the boys down here with me and Frerin are you?"

Bilba mimicked him mockingly, her lips moving silently. She looked to the side, trying to prolong giving in. Her eyes went to the coffee table, currently filled with plates, utensils, pancakes, pastries.................. and a cell phone.

She blinked and looked again.

A cell phone was lying on the table. She knew it wasn't Frerin's and Dwalin didn't carry one, claiming it was to much trouble trying to deal with the stupid thing.

She pulled out of Thorin's arms and stepped forward, bending to pick the phone up.

It was Thorin's.

She turned back and fixed her eyes on him. On the couch, Frerin suddenly became very engrossed in the game, leaning forward in his seat.

"You had your phone?" Bilba asked.

Thorin shrugged. "You were drunk."

Bilba studied him suspiciously. She entered his password on the screen and pulled up his call logs.

Text messages, his phone dutifully reported. Long streams of them, stretching all the way back too......

"Hold on," she said, looking at him. "These messages go all the way back to when you were unconscious."

He raised an eyebrow. "You were drunk," he repeated slowly. "You tried to chloroform me with water from the spray bottle you use to get Smaug off the furniture. That was, of course, after you explained your entire brilliant plan to me." He said brilliant plan with air quotes.

She hated air quotes.

"You," Thorin went on, "are quite the chatty drunk."

Bilba gave  him a look that, by all rights, should have dropped him on the spot, and pulled up the string of texts between Thorin and Frerin.

Apparently, after getting her home, Thorin had kept up a running commentary of her actions to Frerin, including her plans to kidnap him and force him to apologize for the argument.

Tragically, Thorin never mentioned what the argument actually had been about in the texts.

There was a blank space where Thorin must have finally given up and gone to sleep, then it started again, right after Bilba had texted Frerin.

_Frerin: So why is your wife texting me to bring over breakfast? I thought she kidnapped you._

_Thorin: Must have realized you're an eyewitness._

_Frerin: So now I get dragged into this?_

_Thorin: It'll be fun. Just go with it._

_Frerin: Ever think your wife doesn't always have the best decision making skills?_

_Thorin: Clearly. Look who she married. Besides, you're one to talk._

_Frerin: True enough._

The next series was to Dwalin.

_Thorin: Hey, are you busy today?_

_Dwalin: No, why?_

_Thorin: Make up an excuse to come over to my house._

_Dwalin: Why do I need an excuse?_

_Thorin: I'll tell you when you get here. Just make up something and act suspicious._

_Dwalin: I'm always suspicious._

_Thorin: Great._

The final set was between Thorin, Fili and Kili.

_Thorin: You boys at your grandfather's?_

_Fili: Yep. He's gone already._

_Thorin: I think your Aunt is on her way over._

_Kili: Aunt Bilba? Why?_

_Thorin: Do me a favor. Convince her to let you come over and come into the basement._

_Fili: Why?_

_Thorin: You'll see._

_Kili: Are you trolling Aunt Bilba again?_

_Thorin: She started it._

Bilba felt her ire rising.

She knew it'd all been Thorin's fault.

It was _always_ Thorin's fault.

And, to think, she'd actually been about to admit defeat.

She tapped a button and called up Thorin's contact list.

In front of her Thorin frowned and leaned forward. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," Bilba said. She found the contact she wanted and accessed it, quickly typing out a message.

Thorin swiped at the phone and Bilba jumped out of his way. He tired again but Bilba dodged him. She finished the message and hit Send. Thorin made a grab for her and she jumped over Kili's feet, ending up on the side of the couch near Dwalin.

The phone beeped and she checked to see her text had been answered. She grinned and looked up, just as Thorin made another move. She managed to get the phone behind her back but he slid one arm around her waist and dragged her up against him. He slid his other arm around her back and grabbed her wrist, trying to get her to open it and release the phone.

Bilba gave a patient sigh and slid her free arm behind his neck, leaning back so she could look up into his eyes.

He grinned, clearly feeling victorious. "Are you ready to admit defeat?"

Bilba put on her most innocent face. "Thorin. Do  you remember our honeymoon?"

He blinked in confusion. "Of course."

She pulled up on her toes, putting herself so close their lips nearly touched, and dropped her voice to a whisper. "And do you remember how you managed to pull a muscle in your lower back?"

His eyes heated. "I do."

Bilba continued, her eyes perfectly innocent. "And you know how you've been doing all those exercises to strengthen your lower back so it doesn't happen again?"

The slightest hint of suspicion entered his eyes. "Yes?"

Bilba grinned brightly and dropped back down on her feet. She patted him on the chest and said, "Well, you can stop because I can absolutely guarantee you won't have a chance to risk your back any time soon."

Thorin's eyes widened.

He stared at her.

Bilba stared back, keeping a smile on her face.

His eyes narrowed finally. "I'll go see that chick flick you keep trying to drag me too."

Bilba gave him an incredulous look. "Just one? You'll go see five."

"Three."

"Two," Bilba said smoothly, "and I can bring a book to the Super Bowl."

He actually flinched. "I have tickets on the 50 yard line, Bilba!"

"I'm sure the 50 yard line won't mind," Bilba said dryly.

"Fine," Thorin growled. "Deal."

"Good." She patted him on the chest again, pulled out of his arms and nearly danced to the bottom of the stairs. Once she arrived she turned to see Thorin still standing where she'd left him, staring after her. The others were all engrossed in killing everything on the screen and weren't paying attention.

Bilba raised the phone and gave Thorin a jaunty wave with it. Then she turned and headed up the stairs.

She knew Fili and Kili probably had phones but it didn't matter.

The situation had escalated past a simple kidnapping.

Poor Thorin. He should have just given in when he had a chance.  

She left the basement and shut the door behind her and then glanced at the screen of Thorin's phone again.

She'd sent a very simple message.

_Want to help me get back at Thorin? I'm at home._

The answer was equally as simple.

_Of course. I'll be right over._

She grinned.

Thorin wouldn't know what hit him.

Literally this time. Not like last time.

They'd all agreed not to talk about last time.

She hadn't been able to get the theme song from "Jaws" out of her head for weeks.

She shuddered and straightened from the door.

It'd be a few minutes before her reinforcements arrived.

Plenty of time to hide Thorin's IPod.

And the string cheese.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Dis & Dori & Balin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which things start to take a turn for the worse. Or the better, in Thorin's opinion.

"You did the right thing in calling me."

Bilba grinned across the table at Dis. "I should have called you sooner."

Dis shrugged. "Better late than never." She looked around with a frown. "Do you have a laptop and printer? We need to write up the terms."

Bilba flinched. "Do we really need to do that? You know where Thorin will try to take it."

"So?" Dis said. "If we does then we simply crush him and get what we want then."

Bilba sighed. Maybe calling Dis hadn't been the best idea. She and Dis had been best friends since they were six years old. Dis had been the one to introduce her to the rest of her family, including Thorin. She'd also been the one to ultimately give Thorin the kick in the pants he needed to ask Bilba out, a literal kick in the pants no less.

Bilba thought of her like a sister in every way, so much in fact that she often completely forgot that Dis was every bit as much a Durin as the rest of them and, as children, she'd often gotten them into scrapes a thousand times worse than Thorin ever had.

Of course, on the other hand, it was also true most of those scrapes were on record in Bilba's mind as the most fun she'd ever had.

The one with the army of ferrets had been particularly memorable. It had taken them weeks to save up the money to buy enough ferrets but had been worth it in the end just to see the look on Frerin's face.

It had been payback for _his_ little April Fool's Day stunt.

Anyway, there was really no other option aside from admitting defeat and, as that was no option at all, she'd just have to go with Dis

Especially since Thorin now doubly deserved it since the way he'd set her up with the texts.

Even if Dis was every bit as insane as the rest of her family.....................and maybe her.......but only because Thorin was a terrible influence.

Pushing back from the table, she ran upstairs and got Thorin's laptop from his office (because it was ironic and she loved irony). She brought it back down, handed it to Dis and happily sat next to her.

"Okay," Dis pulled up his files and soon found the template she wanted. Thorin had simply labeled it "Terms of Surrender" because he had zero imagination when it came to writing contracts, that or he just didn't care. If it were up to Thorin he'd just skip the negotiation phase and go straight to escalation every single time.

He liked escalating things. She probably should have thought about that.

She'd been drunk though which meant it totally wasn't her fault. And Thorin started it...sort of...with the texting and making her freak out over everyone showing up. 

So it was Thorin's fault.

Obviously.  

Dis finished filling in the blanks and hit the print button. Bilba went back upstairs to Thorin's office and got the finished form, bringing it down and handing it to Dis with a flourish. As she sat down next to her, Bilba almost, almost casually mentioned the fact that the day before had been her birthday, but stopped herself at the last moment. Dis had never forgotten her birthday before in all the years they'd known one another so, if she'd forgotten this year, there must have been a good reason.

Oooo, Bilba thought, maybe it was Thorin's fault.

Except _he'd_ remembered her birthday.

And she'd repaid him by locking him in the basement.

Huh............her subconscious really had no response to that.

Stupid subconscious.

Dis grinned at her. "Great. Now all we need to do is get Thorin separated from the others and ramp up the heat on them."

"He won't come up," Bilba said. "He'll know something is up."

"He might," Dis replied. "You don't usually go this far after all. He won't be expecting it."

That was true. She'd been involved in epic pranks on Thorin before but never one on her own, at least not to the level of locking him in the basement while she was drunk in the hopes of forcing an apology.

Dis gave her a giant grin and held up a hand for a high five. "Which, by the way, nice going. You're finally raising your game to the Durin family level."

The Durin family level of sheer insanity. She returned the high five anyway, a small spark of pride growing in her. She had been reluctant to pull off some of the things the others did and had noticed Thorin usually pulled back as well, in relation to her at least. The pranks he pulled on her were nowhere near the level  he pulled on his other family members.

It was highly likely that would now change. Bilba winced at the mere thought, wondering just what she'd unleashed.

It was very, very possible she might have been better off giving up immediately.

"But, on the other hand," Dis continued, pulling her phone out, "Thorin is a paranoid bastard so we'll just have to go the more direct route."

She dialed and held the phone to her ear. Bilba sat back, relaxed and studied the form.

She'd changed her mind again. Calling Dis had been the best idea ever.

Thorin was so going down.

It would be epic. She should have started taking pages from the Durin Family Book of Crazy ages ago.

 

* * *

 

 

It was an hour later that Bilba found herself standing at the door leading into the basement yet again. Next to her stood Balin, holding a copy of the "Terms of Surrender" form.

A fake copy.

Bilba suppressed an evil laugh as she walked down the stairs into the basement.

Thorin was lounging in a recliner watching Fili and Kili play. Frerin was in the kitchen and Dwalin wasn't visible, meaning he was probably in the bathroom.

Thorin raised an eyebrow. "Bringing a mediator are we? I didn't think you'd take it that far, Bilba."

Bilba responded by running over and grabbing his hands to pull him out of the chair. He stood obediently and let her pull him over to where Balin stood by the stairs, holding the form. Thorin took it and started reading, giving her a sidelong look as he did. "You used my template?"

Bilba shrugged and stepped behind him, wrapping her arms around him from the back. "Welcome to marriage, Love. What's mine is mine. What's yours is mine."

Thorin snorted, his eyes scanning the paper. "Not exactly sure that's how it works, _Love_. If you're going to start playing with the rest of us we'll have to make you a template of your own."

Bilba's only response was to squeeze him in a hug happily and then release him to step over and drop down between Fili and Kili on the couch.

"Here," she said, reaching for Fili's controller. "Let me try."

He obediently handed it over and she settled down to play.

Over at the door, Balin took the form back from Thorin and headed toward the counter to lay it down. Thorin shot her a suspicious look as he passed the edge of the couch. "This is surprisingly fair, Bilba."

She grinned in response. "I only married into your family, Thorin. I'm not as insane."

He looked amused. "You say that and yet, as you say, you married into the family."

Bilba shrugged. He had a point. She frowned down at her controller and set it in her lap. "I think the battery is going out on this one. Let me see yours, Kili."

Kili handed his over. As he did Bilba heard a noise and looked back to see Dwalin coming out of the bathroom. Fili and Kili turned to look as well. Thorin was leaning over the form on the paper, holding a pen as he prepared to sign.

For just an instant, Bilba considered letting it go. Just letting him sign the paper, which basically said neither of them were at fault, and letting it end. He could leave the basement. She could keep her dignity and all could end well.

But then she remembered, again, the text messages and how Thorin had played her and her own inherent stubbornness reared its head, along with her pride. Thorin would think she'd caved and given in because things had gotten so out of hand.

He'd think he won and there was no way she was going to put up with that.

Maybe Thorin was right when he said the two of them were alike.

She shifted slightly, gripping the two controllers tightly...and proceeded to jump off the couch and lunge for the stairs.

Fili shouted and made a grab for her but she avoided his grip and made it to the staircase.

She briefly turned to look back and felt her heart jump as she saw Thorin coming right at her. She shrieked and fled up the stairs, flying out the door and into the house.

Thorin was right on her heels, chasing her straight up the stairs in the house and to their bedroom door, which was currently closed.

Bilba turned at the door to face him, her hands clutching the controllers. "You left the basement even though you've been insisting I was holding you down there."

He reached her and she wrapped her arms around his waist again.

"I concede nothing," he said, with a grin, as he wrapped his own arms around her.

Bilba shifted the controllers to one hand and reached back to open the door. She reached up and wrapped her arm around his neck and pushed up on her toes to kiss him.

He responded, like he always did.

Thorin was a very, very good kisser.

Well, at least she was pretty sure he was. She'd never actually kissed anyone else so she didn't have much to compare it with. She'd had a massive crush on him before she even understood what a crush was, one that had rapidly developed into a full blown infatuation by the time she was sixteen.

Unlike Thorin. He had plenty of experience from his Too-Dumb-to-Realize-He-Was-In-Love-With-Bilba-Yet phase.

That memory soured her mood somewhat, a fact Thorin apparently picked up on (because he was psychic) and pulled back. "What?"

She gave him an innocent look. "I was just wondering if you were really a good kisser or if I just don't know any better."

His eyes narrowed. "I've never had any complaints."

Bilba took her arm from around his neck and pushed the door to the bedroom open. She put her arm around him again and started to walk backward, pulling him into the room. "Maybe they were just to nice to tell you."

He opened his mouth to respond...only to cut off as Dis and Dori appeared from opposite sides of the room. Thorin tensed but there was little he could do with Bilba hanging onto him.

A handcuff snapped over each of his wrists, then Dis calmly pulled his arms in front of him and locked them together. Bilba ducked out from under his arms and stood back, grinning.

Thorin gave her a wry look. "I'm impressed, Bilba. You're starting to play in the big leagues."

Bilba gave a low curtsey. "Thank you."

Dori and Dis grabbed his arms and led him back out of the room, down the stairs and into the kitchen where the real "Terms of Surrender" form was lying on the table.

Thorin dropped into the chair and leaned back, casually picking up the form to read it. After a few minutes he looked over the top of it to where Bilba stood near the entrance.

"You want me to admit fault to everything and also publicly acknowledge your supremacy in all things kidnapping?"

Dis sat in the chair next to him. "It seems only fair, Thorin. You did get yourself taken prisoner, twice now."

Thorin grinned and focused on Bilba again, tapping one finger on the paper. "You only refer to the argument as 'The Argument'".

Bilba folded her arms across her chest. "So?"

"So," Thorin said, leaning forward and folding his hands on the table. "I'll sign this under one condition."

"Really?" Bilba said, clasping her hands together in excitement. Immediately she tamped down on it, trying to go for a more non-chalant attitude. "I mean, really?"

"Really," Thorin said. "All you have to do is tell me what the argument was about."

Bilba's mouth actually fell open. "I--" she stammered. "I don't -- I mean -- I think _you_ don't remember what the argument is about. You're just trying to trick me!"

Thorin shrugged. "Then it looks like we're at an impasse."

"I doubt that," Dis said. "Dori is guarding the basement door, we've got the game controllers and Bilba already disconnected the cable from up here. How long do you think they're going to last down there before they start demanding you sign?"

"More than long enough," Thorin answered. He gave a measuring look. "You know where this is headed if you keep going, don't you?"

Bilba looked around for Smaug but he was off destroying something and wasn't available for her to pick up and use as a shield between her and Thorin being a big fat meanie.

Thorin continued. "You've never headed a team in an official Durin Family Alpha War before, Bilba. Think you can handle it?"

"Of course I can," Bilba insisted. "I'll be fine."

"Besides," Dis said from beside Thorin. "It's not like she won't have the single most experienced team leader in the Durin family on her side."

Thorin frowned at her. "You forget Vili."

Dis snorted. "Vili refuses to play unless he has no other choice, you know that. He'll be the referee."

Thorin shrugged and redirected his attention back to Bilba. "Last chance, Love. You really want to play this game?"

Smaug chose that exact moment to waltz into the room, only to squawk as Bilba scooped him up and hugged him.

She glared at her husband. "I do."

Thorin smiled broadly.

"Then let the games begin."

 

 

 

 


	6. Oin & Gloin & Bifur

Bilba was annoyed.

Thorin seemed perfectly content to lounge in his chair, hands clasped and resting on his knee.

Dis was happy to surf the internet on Thorin's laptop and Balin, presumably, was keeping the world safe by controlling his brother and the boys in the basement. Dori was stationed at the door making sure none of them came up and snuck into the house. He was almost freakishly strong, not even Dwalin challenged him usually.

Bilba, in contrast to all of them, had quickly gotten bored and retrieved a book from her room. She'd then come back and sat on the floor next to Thorin, leaning against his leg while she read.

Outside the window, darkness had fallen. It was late in winter, the time of year Bilba disliked the most when it seemed the sun had barely risen before it was setting again.

Bilba hated the dark. She just knew there were all sorts of horrible monsters hiding in it waiting to eat her. The only reason it hadn't happened already was because Thorin was there to save her.

Thorin and Smaug. There were few who would dare go against Smaug. He could hide in the shadows with the best of them. She was pretty sure he was the creature the creatures in the shadows were afraid of.

He was a good cat. He had his flaws, trying to kill Thorin, destroying things, going back to re-destroy them, intimidating the neighbors by staring at them through the windows, stealing her jewelry and hiding it, etc., but who _didn't_ have flaws?

He would save her, she had no doubt.

She was the bringer of food after all.

The lights flickered.

Bilba flinched and looked up. The lights hadn't been doing that before. Why were they doing that? It was never a good sign in the movies.

"The house is not haunted," Thorin said.

Bilba glared at him. "You don't know that."

The lights flickered again and she pulled her knees up, curling up tighter against his leg. "You see that? That is not normal!"

"I don't know why you insist on watching horror movies," Dis said, looking up from her computer. "They only freak you out."

"I want to be prepared," Bilba insisted. "So I know what to watch out for."

Just then the lights flickered again and promptly went out plunging the room into darkness broken only by the glow of the laptop monitor.

Bilba shrieked, wrapped both arms around Thorin's leg and hid her face against his thigh.

He put a hand lightly on her head. "It's fine, Bilba. There are five people in the basement. You know the ones in the basement always go first in horror movies."

A chair scraped back as Dis got up. "Hold on," she said, "I'll go check it out. There was probably just a power surge and the breakers need to be reset."

Footsteps receded as she left the room, leaving Bilba alone with Thorin.

"If you try to escape right now I swear I'll never speak to you again," Bilba threatened.

She hated the dark. Hated, hated, hated it. She always left lights on in the house. She left the light off in the master bedroom only if Thorin was home. The last few days, with him at Frerin's, she'd left the light on.

Along with every other light in the entire house.

She was kind of looking forward to Thorin getting the monthly energy bill.

Time passed and nothing happened. The lights didn't come back on and Dis didn't return.

"What's taking her so long?" Bilba groused finally. Her fingers were digging into Thorin's leg but he didn't seem to mind. Instead his hands were idly stroking through her hair, the metal of the cuffs brushing her scalp from time to time.

A loud thump sounded from the ceiling over their head. Bilba jerked. She knew what was directly over the kitchen.

"That came from our bedroom," she hissed at Thorin. "Why would anyone be in our bedroom?"

"It's probably just the hell minion," Thorin answered. "Darkness is his element after all."

As if summoned, Bilba felt a brush of fur against her leg as Smaug stalked past her. He always stalked, walking was beneath him.

He'd also been in the kitchen the entire time.

Another thump sounded and she turned to look up at Thorin.

It wasn't very useful since it was dark but, whatever.

"You need to go check it out."

"Why?" His voice asked, amused.

"Because," Bilba said, "I said so."

"I doubt it's ghosts," Thorin said casually. "Where did they come from? There haven't been any horrible murders in this house."

Yet, Bilba thought, yet. If Thorin kept acting like it was no big deal that might change.

"It could be a vortex of darkness," she insisted. She'd seen that in a movie once. It had appeared from nowhere and all these horrible creatures had come pouring out into a woman's bathroom.

Bilba hadn't been able to shower alone for months.

Thorin hadn't minded.

He'd bought her the sequel for her birthday.

Bastard.

"Vortex of darkness?" Thorin repeated. "So Smaug's having a family reunion then? That should be interesting. We can meet his relatives. His zombie uncle, ghoul aunt, goblin parents--"

Still another thump sounded, this time followed by the noise of something falling over. Bilba slapped Thorin's leg. "Thorin! This is serious! What if it's Dis? She could be in trouble!"

Thorin shifted. "I doubt it," he said dryly. "If she ran into someone _they'd_ be the one in trouble."

Bilba ignored him and stood up, wrapping her hands around his bicep and tugging. "Up," she ordered. "Go. Find ghosts. Exorcise."

His only response was to rattle his handcuffs. "I can't fight the forces of darkness while handcuffed, Dear."

Bilba was about to respond when the very clear sound of a stair creaking came from the living room.

Her first thought was she didn't remember the stairs ever creaking before.

Her second thought was WHO CARES? THE STAIRS WERE CREAKING! THE ONLY THING THAT COULD MEAN WAS A GHOST WAS WALKING DOWN THEM TO KILL HER!

She yanked at Thorin's arm, setting her feet and leaning back to put all her weight into it. "THORIN! Get UP!"

He sighed and pushed to his feet. "Alright, I'm up. Now what?"

Bilba wrapped herself around his arm, clinging to him so hard it would probably take surgery to detach her.

"How about you stay here," Thorin said mildly, "and I'll go check things out?"

"Are you insane?" Bilba hissed. "The person that gets left behind always dies! _Always_! Especially if it's a woman!" She pressed into his side. "I'm staying with you, idiot."

She felt Thorin straighten and could imagine the heroic poise he was undoubtedly striking. "So does that mean you think I'm the dashing hero who gets to live until the sequel and always gets to bring one female love interest of his choice along for the ride?"

Bilba rolled her eyes, even though he couldn't see it. It was the thought that counted. "No, you're the jock whose arrogant attitude is like crack for vengeful ghosts. They'll be drawn to you like moths to a flame and I'll be able to run like hell in the meantime."

"Nice to know you find me so useful," Thorin said dryly.

Bilba patted him on the chest. "You're welcome," she said politely. "Now, go forth and be my shield."

Thorin turned to face her slightly. "Your Oakenshield?"

"No," Bilba groused instantly. "That's a stupid nickname. It was stupid in high school and it's stupid now."

"Everybody's a critic," Thorin muttered with a long suffering sigh.

He moved toward the door and Bilba ducked behind him. She grabbed his belt loops and stayed close, pressing in as he walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.

It was darker in there, only the dim glow of a streetlight shining through the window to give the barest illumination.

"You know," Thorin remarked. "It would be really helpful if you would take the handcuffs off."

Bilba frowned. She'd actually forgotten about the handcuffs already in light of the whole GHOST ABOUT TO KILL THEM thing.

The stairs creaked. Bilba turned and saw a large, dark silhouette standing mere feet from her, the form blocking out the light from the windows.

She screamed. She jerked around Thorin so she was standing in front of him. She fumbled in one pocket, got the keys out and unlocked his handcuffs, before placing both hands on his chest, burying her face against him and shutting his eyes.

He wrapped both arms around her and chuckled.

He actually _chuckled_.

They were both about to die and he was laughing.

The _bastard_.

Light blazed on the other side of her eyelids and she felt cool metal on the skin of her wrist. She jerked back just as the handcuffs clicked, locking her hands in front of her.

Thorin's hands were still on her waist which meant...she looked on either side and found herself looking at Oin and Gloin. Before she could fully process it the front door opened and Bifur walked in.

From the front yard...and the direction of the side....where the power box was.

Anger flared and she punched Thorin on the shoulder, an action which hurt her far worse than it hurt him. "You _jerk_!"

He grinned broadly. "Turn about is fair play, Darling."

With that he crouched and calmly pulled her right over his shoulder.

"Hey!" Planting her hands on the small of his back she pushed up enough to glare at Bifur, Gloin and Oin. "You're all traitors! See if I ever cook for you again!"

Oin frowned. "What's that? No, I don't trade in stocks. Don't trust them."

Thorin had started walking toward the basement.

The others followed and Bilba fixed her eyes on Gloin.

"I'm telling your wife. Just you wait."

He flinched. "That's a low blow, Bilba."

Bilba adjusted her position as her arms started to ache. "No, a low blow is turning my power off and HANDCUFFING me so my husband can kidnap me!"

"You started it," Thorin said mildly. He opened the door to the basement and started down the stairs.

Bifur held her arms out imploringly to Bifur. "Bifur," she whined, "help me!!!"

He blushed and looked away.

Bilba sighed and slumped on Thorin's shoulder with a groan. "You're all jerks."

A moment later the world spun and she found herself being set down on the couch, between Dis, Dori and Balin.

"Some mediator and security you two are," Bilba groused to Balin and Dori. Balin simply shrugged in return.

"Sorry dear, I did my best."

"I was looking for threats from the basement," Dori said, "not from the rest of the house."

"And I," Dis said her voice glacial, "did not expect to be betrayed by my own sons." She turned her gaze on Fili and Kili as she spoke. Well, Fili at least. Kili was hiding behind Fili.

Fili flinched. "Sorry, Mom."

Footsteps sounded on the stairs and Dwalin appeared, carrying Thorin's printer, laptop and both controllers. "Cable's back on," he grunted. He tossed the controllers to the boys and handed the printer and laptop to Thorin who set it up on the coffee table.

Dis, if possible, got even scarier. "You turned on me for a video game?" She said, looking at her boys.

Fili gave a weak smile. "It's a really cool game though."

Thorin slid his arms under Bilba's legs and behind her back and picked her up. He took two steps over and plopped her down on Frerin's lap like some sort of slightly awkward Santa. "Here, watch her."

He stepped back and sat down in the spot she'd just vacated, pulling the laptop close to him. "Now," he said, "let's get started."

Bilba glowered and looked around the room. Thorin had Fili, Kili, Frerin, Dwalin, Gloin, Oin, and Bifur.

Eight. He already had a freaking team. She, in contrast, only had Dis, Balin and Dori.

Thorin hit a key and the printer grudgingly came to life, shooting out Thorin's "Terms of Surrender". He nodded at Frerin who obediently transferred her back over. Thorn pulled her onto his knee and wrapped his arms around her waist, handing her the paper as he did. "Here you go."

Without reading it, Bilba glared at him and said, "You know, I was fair with my terms."

"With your fake terms," Thorin corrected. "Your real ones were far less so."

Bilba muttered under her breath and scanned the paper. As suspected, Thorin had pretty much rewritten hers only in reverse, she was now to blame for everything. He'd also added the stuff about the Super Bowl, the jersey, her book, apple pies and...she felt her face heat. He hadn't needed to add the deal they'd made about _that_.

There was one more section at the bottom and her eyes narrowed as she scanned it.

She twisted around to give Thorin an incredulous look. "You want me to admit you're the best kisser in the world?"

"Not just admit it," Thorin said cheerfully, "I want a plaque." He held his hands up to demonstrate the size. "This big, maybe with flashing lights."

Bilba frowned, her mind already calculating. Two could play at this game.

She gave him a wide eyed look, schooling her features into as innocent a look as possible. "But Thorin, how can I say that if I don't have any other experience?" She shifted and suddenly acted as though she were excited. "Oh, I know! I can practice!" She cocked her head, as though considering. "Maybe Bofur? I'm sure he'd be happy to help! And Nori! Then I could know for sure!"

Thorin's eyes darkened. It was well known that Bofur had a crush on Bilba at one time that nearly equaled the one Bilba had on Thorin. Nori, on the other hand, greatly enjoyed flirting with her nearly constantly. He enjoyed annoying Thorin.

Thorin snatched the paper out of her hand and scratched the last line out. "There," he said, handing it back. "Now, sign that one."

Bilba folded her arms across her torso and leaned back against his chest. "No."

Thorin raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"No," Bilba repeated petulantly. "I won't."

Thorin settled back onto the couch, pulling her with him until she was lying against his chest.

Fili and Kili had turned the TV back on and were booting up the game again. The others were all finding various places to sit while Dwalin and Frerin headed toward the pool table.

"That's fine," Thorin said, his tone conversational. "I can wait."

Bilba gave him a dirty look.

He'd be waiting a long time then because there was no way she was apologizing now.

Not that there had been any way she was apologizing before but it was doubly no way now.

Maybe even _triple_.

Jerk.

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Nori

"I'm going to die of boredom!" Bilba wailed a short time later. She flailed in frustration, forcing Thorin to tighten his grip to keep her from falling off his lap onto the floor.

"Really," he replied dryly, "planning to make medical history now are you?"

"I'm going to die of boredom," Bilba repeated sharply, "and then I'm going to come back as a zombie and eat your brain out of spite." She huffed in annoyance. "Assuming you have one that is."

She sighed and went limp, sagging against his chest. He chuckled, the sound vibrating through her back. "You could always just admit defeat."

"I could also banish you to the couch for the next month," Bilba groused in reply.

"Unlikely," Thorin said cheerfully. "You'd only be punishing yourself as well."

Bilba sneered at him and didn't bother to answer.

Mainly because he was right, the jerk.

She shifted until she was sitting sideways on his lap and threw her legs over Fili's lap where he was sitting next to her. He barely reacted, merely shifting back slightly to give her room even as he continued trying to slaughter his brother on the game screen.

"I don't get the allure," Bilba said. "All you do is kill each other, or the bad guy of the week, over and over again. What's the big deal?"

Thorin wrapped both arms around her waist and pulled her against him again. He was like freaking Jabba the Hutt. It was a wonder he hadn't bought her a gold bikini yet. Probably only because he hadn't thought of it.

"You like romantic comedies," Thorin said dryly. "Even though every plot is the same. Boy meets girl, they hate each other at first, eventually fall in love, get separated, usually have an epic run through the airport to catch the other one because apparently no one has a phone, e-mail or facebook in those worlds and they live happily ever after. So, you explain why you love them and I'll explain why we love Call of Duty."

Bilba narrowed her eyes at him. "You have no idea why you like it so much do you?"

He raised an eyebrow. "You don't know why you like romantic comedies, do you?"

Bilba kept staring at him, evaluating. Finally, she said, "truce on that point?"

Thorin shrugged. "As you wish."

Bilba frowned. "Stop quoting 'Princess Bride'."

He grinned. "At least it made sense this time."

Bilba had to give him that. She sighed and dropped her head back against his shoulder. Idly she grabbed his arm and unstrapped his watch so she could play with it.

"I'm going to put it three hours behind so you're late to work," she grumbled.

"I'm the CEO," Thorin replied. "Work starts when I say it does."

"I think it starts when Dis says it does," Bilba said innocently, "she's there more than you are."

Dis, who'd ousted Dwalin from the recliner and was sitting in it herself, grinned over at Thorin. "You know she's right."

"We'll see who's right when I fire you," Thorin said without heat. Dis rolled her eyes in response. They both knew she, and Frerin, were instrumental in running the company alongside Thorin.

Bilba also knew Thorin was, indeed, the one in charge of Arkenstone no matter how badly she harassed him about it. His grandfather and father, through a series of bad decisions and investments, had nearly run the company into the ground, leaving it on the edge of bankruptcy and in threat of a hostile takeover by a competing company. When Arkenstone had passed to Thorin  he'd taken the remnants and, in ten short years, rebuilt it into a country wide household name.

A fact Bilba would happily give him credit for...just as soon as he gave in and admitted he was wrong and a jerk and...agreed to forget about the whole locking him in the basement while drunk...thing.

Really, he was going much to far with the whole thing. She'd just made one teeny, tiny mistake. Who hadn't? Thorin had certainly made his share. Maybe she should bring up the incident with the hamster from eleventh grade.

No, she thought almost immediately, he'd made her sign that stupid contract swearing she'd never bring it up as long as she lived.

She really needed her own "Terms of Surrender" template. Maybe Thorin would help her design one. He was really good with computers.

Thorin's phone chirped suddenly and he frowned, pulling it out to check it. Almost immediately he tensed, his eyes widening.

Bilba leaned forward and felt her own eyes widen. Thorin had been sent a screenshot of an Ebay listing. The listing was set up under Thorin's account and was for two superbowl tickets. The price was stupidly low and the cursor of the mouse was set right over the "List" button.

Who -- her eyes flicked up to see who had sent the message. Nori. Well, that explained it.

Thorin was already looking over at Dis, Dori and Balin. "Which of you contacted Nori?"

Dis raised an eyebrow. "You took our phones, Thorin. You think we communicated telepathically?"

"Maybe he has the house bugged," Bilba said cheerfully. She grinned at the dark look Thorin gave her. "You know Nori, he'll do it. You should probably just give up."

Around them the others slowly began to stop what they were doing, sensing things were finally coming to a boil. Fili and Kili paused their game, Dwalin stopped cleaning his gun on her beautiful hardwood floor and Frerin looked up from where he'd been surfing on Thorin's laptop.

The silence was heavy.

Bilba gave Thorin a happy look and snuggled against him. As she did she caught sight of Fili slipping his phone into a pocket and grinned. Clearly fear of his mother's wrath had weakened his resolve a bit.

Thorin grabbed her chin suddenly and raised her head until they were making eye contact. Bilba recognized the look in his eyes immediately and felt her heart jump.

He wouldn't.

"I declare an Alpha War," Thorin said with a smirk, "Bilba Durin, do you accept?'

He would.

He was such a bastard.

Bilba gaped at him. "An Alpha War?" She squeaked out finally. "Between us?"

He raised an eyebrow. "That would be how it works." He gave her a positively wicked look. "I did warn you, you know."

Bilba chewed on her lower lip. She wasn't an idiot. Thorin knew she'd never led an Alpha War. She'd been _in_ them often enough. She'd been in normal wars often enough too. She couldn't be a member of the Durin family without being involved in that aspect of their insanity but she'd never, ever led.

Her eyes went past him to where Dis was sitting. She raised her eyes at the other woman who immediately grinned and nodded happily. Bilba relaxed and sighed in relief.

She may not have led any wars but Dis had. Heck, most of the Alpha Wars they had were between Dis and Vili, Dis and Vili against Fili and Kili, Fili and Kili against one another or some other combination.

She redirected her attention to her husband. "Can Dis be my second?"

"I'd be stunned if you picked anyone else," Thorin said.

"What about Rule 3?" Frerin said suddenly from his spot on the floor, Thorin's laptop still on his lap.

"We can suspend it for the match," Dis said. She stood up and grabbed Thorin's "Terms of Surrender" adding them to the one she'd written up for Bilba. "We've already got the terms for both sides and Thorin's got enough for a full team. I'll get enough to finish out our team. Vili can be the referee."

Bilba nodded and held her hands up to Thorin. He unlocked her cuffs and then fired off a response to Nori, letting him know about the war and threatening him with death if he sold the tickets.

"Come on." Bilba pushed off his lap and ran to the closet in the back of the room. She pulled the door open and reached in to grab her body armor. Before she could Thorin's arm moved past her head, grabbing her armor and his own. Bilba crouched and grabbed the duffle bag at the bottom, it contained the rest of her and Thorin's equipment.

As she did, Thorin grabbed the two Geo 3.5 markers. He glanced down at her. "You want to ride with me?

Bilba nodded. "Sure, especially since someone left my car at a bar."

"If someone hadn't been drunk she could have driven her car home," Thorin said mildly.

"You had Frerin," Bilba shot back.

"I was hoping the car got stolen so I could buy you a new one."

Bilba rolled her eyes. "You already had the thing rebuilt from the bottom up with all brand new, shiny parts. It runs fine."

"It's still ugly."

"You're ugly," Bilba muttered.

Thorin snorted and leaned down to give her a quick kiss. "We both know you don't believe that."

He turned to face the rest of the group, all of whom were currently pulling on shoes and coats, locating keys and wallets in preparation to leave.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Thorin intoned solemly, "we once again find ourselves called to our ancient family battleground. Once there we will engage in that time honored--"

"Oh stop being so melodramatic," Bilba broke in. She looked at the others. "We're going to Erebor. See you all in fifteen."

Thorin sighed. "You have no sense of style."

"You're one to talk," Bilba replied, "why do you think I always insist on buying your clothes?"

Thorin shrugged. He handed her the markers, adjusted his grip on the body armor and slung the duffle bag over his shoulder. "True, but you married me anyway, style or not."

"You're pretty," Bilba said, "You don't have to be well dressed."

He frowned, "did you just mangle a quote from 'Vampires Suck'?"

Bilba just smiled in return. "Maybe." She indicated the stairs where the others were all heading out. "Shall we?"

"We shall," Thorin said, easily distracted. He dramatically indicated the exit. "To Erebor!"

He began to march off. Bilba rolled her eyes and followed.

"To Erebor." Where hopefully she'd win and show Thorin just who he was messing with.

It was too bad, she thought suddenly, that she hadn't expanded her terms a bit more.

She should have asked for a pony.

 

 


	8. And the Rest...Here in Erebor's Halllllllllls!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter, finally. Keep in mind this is entirely crack so any resemblance to actual paintball and its actual rules and methods of play is entirely coincidental. :P It's crack, fluffy cracky crack crack with little to no basis on what is actually possible in reality or what actually exists in reality and that's all there is to it. I hope you all enjoy. :)

As Bilba reached the top of the basement stairs it occurred to her that she wasn’t exactly dressed for going to Erebor.

Thorin wasn’t either but she was under no compunction to bring that to his attention.

Dwalin stopped to say something to Thorin and she took the opportunity to slip past them and dart up the stairs to the second floor.

Smaug was sprawled on the landing at the top, challenging her to trip over him, but she hopped over and made it to the bedroom in one piece. Once there she went into the closet and started rooting for better clothing.

She got what she needed, whirled to leave, and nearly had a heart attack as she found herself face to face with Thorin.

Or with Thorin’s breastbone, whatever.

“Guilty conscience?” Thorin asked mildly.

“You know better than to sneak up on me, Thorin!” Bilba groused, trying to get her heartrate back under control. She tried to push past him but he stayed put, effectively blocking her in the closet.

“Were you hoping I’d forget to change before going?”

She glared at him. “Maybe. Move.”

He did and she stalked toward the bathroom.

“Why are you changing in there?”

“Because husbands who abandon their wives for a week and then challenge them to Alpha Wars don’t get to watch said wives change,” she said airily, putting her nose up.

A finger hooked through one of the belt loops on the back of her pants and she was suddenly being spun around toward Thorin.

“Bilba,” he said reasonably, clasping his hands at the small of her back. “I wasn’t gone a week. It’s barely been two days.”

“It felt like a week,” Bilba said petulantly, studying his shirt and refusing to meet his eyes.

He laughed and kissed her on the top of the head. As he pulled away Bilba grabbed him and kissed him properly. “Are you going to come back now?” she asked, the barest hint of a plaintive tone in her voice. “Even if I kick your butt in the Alpha War, which I totally will be doing?”

“I’ll come back,” Thorin said, amused. “The bed here is much more comfortable than the one at Frerin’s.”

Bilba gave him a look of outrage at the implication that the only thing he missed was the bed. She started to smack him on the arm only to have him catch her wrist and lean in close. “It’s more comfortable,” he said, kissing her lightly, “because you’re in it.”

Bilba stopped, feeling her face heat.

Someone cleared their throat in the doorway and they both turned to see Dis, looking exasperated. “I knew it’d be a bad idea to leave the two of you alone together.” She snapped her fingers. “You know the rules. Alpha War first, making up later. Now get changed and get downstairs.”

Thorin rolled his eyes.

Bilba felt her own widen, realization dawning, and she jumped away. “You jerk! You were trying to seduce me so I’d call off the Alpha War and you could tell everyone I was too scared to face you!”

Thorin grinned. “Just trying to save you the embarrassment, Love. You can still call it off now and save face.”

Bilba made an incoherent sound of rage and stalked into the bathroom. She slammed the door on Thorin and got changed quickly, pulling her hair up and clipping it back as a final step before jerking the door back open to leave.

Thorin was lounging against the wall, waiting for her. He’d changed into jeans and sneakers…and a black t-shirt that was probably a size to small, at least, and did all _manner_ of weird things to her stomach.

Dis was no longer in the room so Bilba stepped toward the door. “Dis! Thorin is trying to seduce me again!”

“Stop trying to seduce your wife, Thorin!” Dis yelled from downstairs.

Thorin pushed off the wall, smirking. “You always were a tattletale.”

“And you were always underhanded,” Bilba shot back.

“True,” Thorin said, vanishing into the closet, “but you knew that when you married me.”

Bilba parroted him mockingly under her breath until he came back out, now wearing a properly sized t-shirt.

They moved downstairs and out the front door, Thorin locking up behind them. There was a full moon hanging low overhead and stars cast the street in a silver glow.

Bilba stayed near Thorin, ready to shove him in the way of any zombies or other supernatural entities that were undoubtedly lurking in the nearby bushes just waiting for the unsuspecting passerby.

Well, _she_ wouldn’t be caught unaware. Still, just to be safe, she scooted even closer to Thorin and grabbed his arm, eyeing the bushes near the door with suspicion.

“Only this family would think going out in the middle of the night is a good thing,” she muttered.

It’s barely 8:30,” Thorin said dryly, “hardly the middle of the night and it’s a Friday. Everyone can just sleep in tomorrow.”

They went to the car, Dis peeling away to her own. Thorin had grabbed the equipment that he’d left near the front door and loaded it into the trunk. He then walked around to hold the door open for her. Bilba slid in and leaned across the center console to push Thorin’s door open for him so he didn’t have to unlock it.

He got in and then they were off on their way to Erebor.

They already lived on the very outskirts of the city, in the last suburb before the homes gave way to open land. They left the lights behind almost immediately, passing into darkened landscape with only the ridiculously powerful headlights of Thorin’s Audi to show the way.

Bilba had grabbed her purse as she left and sat it on her lap, fishing through it. As she did she paused, remembering, and asked, “How did my purse get back in my room?”

Thorin smirked, he was doing that far too much lately, and said, “I built the basement, Bilba. Do you really think locking the door would keep me in it?”

Bilba’s eyes narrowed. “You think you’re the only one who’s sneaky. That’s your first mistake.”

She got her phone out and dialed.

“Who are you calling?” Thorin asked.

Bilba stuck her tongue out at him and waited for the phone to be picked up. When it did, she grinned happily and said, “Hi, Ori?”

Next to her, Thorin began swearing creatively. He reached for the phone but Bilba swatted his hand away as she invited Ori to come join them at Erebor. The other woman had never been involved in a war of any kind, though she’d come to watch a time or two with her brothers, Nori and Dori.

Ori was more than happy to come, excited about the prospect of finally getting to join in, and Bilba hung up with a triumphant grin.

“That’s low, Bilba,” Thorin said and Bilba gave him a mock innocent look.

“I learned from the best, _Darling_.”

He snorted and Bilba put the phone away before dragging another one out.

“Is that Frerin’s phone? Why do you have it?”

“Because your brother is a jerk,” Bilba replied. Frerin couldn’t be bothered to password lock his phone so she opened up the camera and pulled up the videos.

She started the most recent one and stared in horror at the sight of her, clearly very drunk, dancing on a table just as Frerin had said. A crowd was gathered around her and, as she watched, one guy started to climb up with her only to be dragged back by Thorin appearing from seemingly nowhere.

He had a habit of doing that, he was like a ninja.

In the video, her very drunk self caught sight of him, shrieked his name happily and leapt off the table at him. Thorin caught her because he had mad skills and wicked reflexes and she threw her arms around him. The crowd broke up and Thorin started for the door, Frerin following behind with the video and laughing like a crazy person the entire way.

“I think I’m going to declare an Alpha War against Frerin after this,” Bilba grumbled as she deleted the video. She couldn’t guarantee he hadn’t already backed it up to his computer and wouldn’t pull it out at the next Durin family party but there was only so much she could do.

“I don’t know,” Thorin said cheerfully, “I think he has a great future in store in video production.”

“I think you have a great future on the couch,” Bilba retorted.

The speed of the car changed and she looked up to see they were turning onto the lane that led to Erebor. It was a massive complex, stretching for acres and acres and acres. The outside of the building had been designed to look like smooth, black obsidian with no windows and the doors hidden. Most people in the city referred to it as the obelisk and there were dozens of theories about what it housed, from advanced alien technology to a Scrooge McDuck style vault filled with gold and treasure that Thorin regularly visited to swim in (which was just ridiculous, Bilba thought. You couldn’t swim through gold no matter what a silly cartoon said. She knew this to be true because Thorin had tried it…more than once).

Thorin refused to tell the public what it was because he found the theories hilarious.

Bilba personally believed the real reason he wouldn’t tell was because the truth was flat out crazy.

They arrived at the gate and Thorin rolled the window down to punch in his pass code. The gate opened and they pulled through to the parking lot.

Bilba raised an eyebrow at the empty spaces. “How’d we manage to get here first?”

“Talent,” Thorin said, putting the car in park. He got out and came around to open her door for her.

It was silent outside, far enough from the city that the sound didn’t reach and all she could hear was the faint chirp of crickets. There were plenty of lights along the perimeter but it still left darkness beyond that and Bilba kept an ear out for the approach of anything intent on eating them.

Thorin shut the door and then tried to kiss her but stopped when she put her hands on his chest, resting his forehead against hers instead.

“We’re in the middle of the woods at night, Thorin,” Bilba said, patiently. “You know what happens to people in horror movies who start making out in the woods at night.”

“We’re not in the woods, Darling,” Thorin answered, “and it’s not a horror movie.”

“That’s what everyone in a horror movie always says,” Bilba argued. “If they knew they were in a horror movie they wouldn’t make out! And there are woods close by so it still counts.”

His eyes narrowed. “The hero doesn’t die.”

He had a point. Thorin was certainly the hero of her story but she wasn’t about to tell him that. The last thing he needed was an even bigger ego, particularly when they were about to start an Alpha War.

“He also doesn’t make out,” Bilba said sweetly, “usually because he’s busy figuring a way out and not wasting time.” She pushed on him and he backed away. She immediately lifted up on her toes and gave him a quick kiss on the end of his nose. “Besides, we already said you were the obnoxious jock who gets killed early. Making out with me would only hasten your death and we wouldn’t want that.”

Mainly because she would then be next.

That would be bad. She wouldn’t even have Smaug to save her.

The gate trundled open and Thorin went toward the trunk. Bilba stayed close to him, because zombies were nothing to joke about, and waited as he got the equipment out.

Dis pulled up alongside them, Vili in the passenger seat and Fili and Kili in the back. Vili got out and hugged her in greeting, before saying, “does it ever feel like we married into a family full of crazy people?”

“What does that say about us?” Bilba asked and Vili laughed.

“Fair enough.”

Thorin strode toward the building, snagging Bilba around the waist and bringing her with him as he did. “Come on, if any zombies show up they’ll eat the stragglers first.”

The area of the wall he aimed toward looked no different than any other. There were no walkways leading to it, or anywhere else, and Bilba was always at a loss as to how Thorin knew just where to go.

He reached out and put a hand on the black surface while leaning forward. A blue light flashed, reading his retinal scan and fingerprints. A click sounded and a section of the wall slid smoothly aside. Beyond it lights flashed on, illuminating a long hallway, painted black with an onyx and black marble floor.

Thorin did so enjoy being dramatic.

Bilba ran in, because inside was much safer than outside when it was dark and especially when said inside place was Erebor; and darted toward the lockers. Thorin came in behind her and she retrieved her body armor from him and put it on, tightening the straps and latches until it was a snug fit. She went to the back of the room and opened a large locker to get the harness. She had a specific one, custom made to fit her while she was wearing armor, knee and elbow pads. Those she got out first, slipping them over her knees and elbows before grabbing a pair of fingerless gloves from the top rack and putting those on.

The harness was a complicated series of straps and latches that always seemed hopelessly tangled and impossible to figure out. Before she could even try, Thorin arrived and took it from her. With the ease of long, long practice, he had it sorted and on her in minutes. The main part of the harness crisscrossed her chest with a small red light located right over her heart. More straps were wrapped around her knees and elbows, each with their own red light, while lines ran between them making the entire thing one piece.

The others started to arrive as Thorin got his own on and Bilba went to greet them.

She knew the second Ori arrived. Bilba had been returning Frerin’s phone, pretending it had fallen out of his pocket (a story he didn’t believe for a second because all the Durin men were paranoid bastards), when she heard Dwalin make a strangled sound off to her side.

He was staring at the door and she turned to see Dori and Nori walking through, with Ori between them. The other woman was tiny, even smaller than Bilba and that was saying something, with short, curly brown hair and bright green eyes.

Dwalin was besotted with her and had been for years. The only reason they weren’t together yet was because he was an idiot and Ori was oblivious. Nori knew about it and liked to harass Dwalin endlessly, leading to Dwalin being particularly hard on him when it came to Nori’s private eye business and its sometimes….shady techniques.

“You’ll pay for this betrayal,” Thorin’s voice muttered wryly in her ear as he walked past. Bilba responded by throwing her arms around him from behind and squeezing. He gripped her hands for an instant and kept moving, toward the control room at the end of the hall. There were many different configurations the room could be set in and Bilba had no doubt which one he’d choose, he’d named the entire complex after it.

Technically she could pick, assuming she could beat him to the controls, but she let him go. She sucked equally at all of them anyway, trying to pick one over the other wouldn’t help her very much. At best, she’d pick the one titled “Shire” and squirrel herself away in one of the little homes.

It’s what she normally did when they played that configuration, despite Thorin’s grousing that it was supposed to be a battlefield, not a pleasant place to have afternoon tea.

She went over to Ori and threw her arms around the smaller woman. Ori hugged her back. “Thank you so much for inviting me! I’ve wanted to join in for a long time now!”

“No problem,” Bilba replied. She shot a look back at Dwalin to see him fumbling as he got his harness in place. “Dwalin? Would you mind helping Ori get ready? She’s never worn a harness before.”

Dwalin went bright red and, near him, Frerin shook his head in exasperation. A second later he was at her side. Before she could react he grabbed her arm, knelt and pulled her over his shoulder. “That’s enough of that I think.”

Bilba shrugged and busied herself messing with the straps of his harness as he carried her out the door, down the hall and into the control room at the end.

“You know better than to leave her to her own devices,” she heard him say, then she was being set carefully on her feet, facing Thorin. She immediately tried to leave but Frerin hooked a finger through where the straps crossed over her back and kept her in place.

Bilba shot him a dirty look and then went to the control board, turning and hopping up to sit on the counter just before the board. Behind her was a large bank of windows. They were currently covered but, beyond them, she could hear the clanking and rumbling of things being moved into place by the computer program and automation.

“You always do Erebor,” she groused at Thorin. “We should do Shire.”

“I’d do Shire more often if my wife hadn’t turned it into a book club,” Thorin replied.

“I like my book club,” Bilba said shortly. “Maybe I should move it to Erebor for a change of scenery.”

Thorin came and planted his hands on the counter on either side of her, leaning in toward her. Bilba wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him an innocent look.

“You two are ridiculous,” Frerin said from behind them. “Why don’t you just both admit you were wrong and get on with it?”

“NEVER,” Thorin and Bilba said simultaneously.

The control board beeped and Thorin straightened to go deal with it. Bilba pushed off the counter and went to a low table with three massive binders on it. One of them was a record of all the winners of the normal wars they regularly fought.

Well, normal, if one took into account the fact that Thorin would bring in dozens of professional stunt people to fill out the teams and make it a proper battle. Once a year he’d hold an anniversary war that involved hundreds of people. When Bilba had pointed out the sheer cost of constantly having to pay all those people Thorin had started his own stunt person training academy. Participation in the wars was then considered an achievement, something only the best and brightest were allowed to do. Competition for the spots was reportedly quite high. He still had to pay for the hundreds he needed once a year but it _was_ just once a year and Thorin, as he explained it, was filthy freaking rich.

The second binder was a record of the winners of the Alpha Wars, wars which only involved a select few who were mostly family; complete with the signed contracts showing what the winner got from the loser.

The final binder, situated in the middle of the table, was a list of the rules of the game.

Most of them had to do with Thorin.

Rule 1, for example, was “Thorin is not allowed to set traps”. Under that an addendum had been added reading, “this includes digging holes, setting lures or anything else he’s managed to cobble together because he’s insane.”

Rule 2 was “no ‘interrogating’ prisoners (Thorin)”. That particular one did not impact the rules about prisoners and had mostly been negated entirely by Rule 3, though, which was “Bilba and Thorin are always to be on the same team, no exceptions.”

Rule 3 was kind of her fault. She had never been very good at the wars and had a tendency to stand in one place and scream, “stop shooting at me!”

A perfectly understandable reaction to having someone with a high powered paintball gun shooting at you. The fact the Durins had no problem with it just added to the proof that they were all crazy.

Thorin, as it turned out, had a bit of an instinctive reaction to the sound of her screaming.

He’d shot the person shooting her.

Frerin.

Who had been on his team at the time.

After that Thorin, who liked to take things much too far, had decided to make Bilba his own personal mini-game, an escort mission where he had to protect her on the battlefield.

This meant he had ended up taking out most of both teams and had heroically thrown himself in front of a paintball to save her.

Which meant the team she was on had won, mostly thanks to Thorin.

Who had not been on her team.

Hence, the creation of Rule 3, which stated that Thorin and Bilba must be on the same team at all times. There was also an entire sub-category to Rule 3 that listed the rules of the mini-escort game Thorin had created.

Bilba was really hoping Thorin’s instincts would get the better of him once again and help her win.

The noise from beyond the windows stopped and she looked up as the metal covering over the windows rolled back.

Beyond was the massive configuration that gave the building its name. In one far off corner was a mountain that could actually be entered. It ran underground, creating an entire different level with halls and floors and different rooms.

Above ground, outside the mountain, was a large plain. Large, rectangular slabs of stone dotted it in an irregular pattern. There were cliffs overlooking it and the ruin of an ancient city that Thorin had named Dale. Even further out was a second hill with the remnants of an old watchtower on it. It had purposefully been set so far back that it was nearly useless for someone wanting to use it to spy on the plain but it was pretty cool for a camp, as was Dale.

Erebor was one of the hardest places to hold an Alpha War in because there was so much open space outside and so many places to hide below ground. Shire was so much better in Bilba’s opinion, a lovely green landscape with small homes set into the hills. Her favorite was a place she’d named Bag End where she’d happily hole up while the others killed one another outside. Frerin, she knew, loved the wooded landscape of Rivendell while Fili and Kili loved the wooded, and much scarier, landscape of Mirkwood. There was also Mordor, Gondor, Bree, Rohan, Isengard and Moria but none of them were used quite as often.

Thorin clapped his hands together in glee and went to lay the two opposing Terms of Surrender on the table. “Ready to lose, Darling?”

“Ready to get your butt kicked, _Darling_?” Bilba shot back, crossing her arms over her chest.

Thorin smiled widely in response.

Footsteps sounded and the rest slowly filed in, taking up position behind their respective team leader. For Bilba, it was Dis, Nori, Ori, Dori, Balin, Bofur and Bombur while Thorin had Dwalin, Fili, Kili, Bifur, Oin, Gloin and Frerin. Vili had already dragged a chair over to the large bank of televisions that watched every part of the course and sat down. Bilba and all the others had a tracker installed in one of the straps of their harnesses and Vili would be able to watch every one of them at the same time on the monitors.

Most people usually just watched Thorin. When things went wrong it was usually thanks to him.

“Standard rules,” Thorin was saying. He knelt and dragged several boxes out from under the table. He passed one to Bilba and put the other by his feet. He lifted a third box onto the table and threw the lid back. Inside were a number of objects ranging from rings to a broken sword hilt to a few other odds and ends. Thorin pulled out a small gold ring and handed it to Bilba before getting a smooth, round white stone. It was carved from white quartz and glittered under the lights. He shoved it into a pocket on his outfit with a challenging look at her.

Bilba sneered at him and put the ring in a pocket.

“Rules are standard except for Rule 3,” she added. “That one is waived.”

“Are we inside Erebor or on the plain?” Dis asked.

“Outside,” Thorin said immediately. “If I put you inside Bilba would set up a book club and we’d never get anywhere. I’ll take the Treasury, you can have Dale or the watchtower.” He picked up his marker. “Fifteen minutes to get in place, consider the game begun after that.”

He left with his team and Bilba trailed after with her own, shooting a grin at Vili as she did.

He just shook his head in resignation.

 

***

 

Bilba set up camp inside one of the buildings in Dale, pushing the door closed on Nori’s advice and blocking it shut. The last thing they wanted was for Thorin to burst through and ambush them and have the whole thing be over before it’d started.

She would seriously never live that down.

Like _ever_.

Mainly because there was no feasible way Thorin would ever _let_ her live it down.

“Alright,” Dis said immediately, “our first problem is Thorin’s managed to get all the top players on his team.”

“Hey!” Nori said, “I resent that.”

Dis gave a very pointed look at Dori and Balin, both of whom were well up in years, then at Ori who had never played at all, then Bombur who was, very healthy to put it tactfully, and finally at Bilba.

Bilba smiled in response but felt her heart sink as she did. Dis had a very good point. In many ways it would be Dis, Nori and Bofur against Thorin and his entire team while the rest of them did their best…only to probably get taken out very quickly. The teams were usually made up more evenly, stronger and weaker players spread out well enough to make the game sporting, and fun, but Thorin was a big fat meanie and had taken all the best players…though he wouldn’t have gotten Frerin if she hadn’t kidnapped him…and Dwalin…and Fili and Kili…

Damn it.

None of the others looked particularly put out by Dis’ comments but were simply nodding sagely as she spoke. Not only were they fully aware they weren’t they greatest players but, aside from Nori, most of them didn’t have near the love for the game that just about everyone on Thorin’s team possessed.

Bilba was beginning to get a sense of just how well Thorin had manipulated things in his favor.

It was quite irritating.

“What if we capture a few of them?” she asked, “and invoke Rule 15?”

Rule 15 regarded prisoners. No one wanted to be captured and forced to sit out for the entire game so the rule, and its sub-rules, allowed for such things as escape and even being captured on purpose for ulterior motives. It also added, just to make it fun, the notion that if someone could be captured and held for one hour then they would automatically be considered turned. They would then be allowed to continue fighting but on the side of the team that had captured them.

Thorin had added that one, stating if someone screwed up enough to get captured _and_ couldn’t manage to escape within an hour, then they probably weren’t that good and would drag down their new team. He very clearly saw this as only benefitting him, ie, getting rid of bad players on his own team and saddling the other team with them.

This of course had led to people getting themselves captured on purpose and all sorts of new addendums and sub-rules but they had mostly gotten it sorted…mainly by adding Rule 16 which specifically told Thorin to knock it off already.

“Who were you thinking of?” Nori asked.

Bilba grinned. “Dwalin.”

Bofur raised an eyebrow. “His best friend and best player? What makes you think we could get him, much less hold him?”

Bilba grinned. “Oh, I have a few ideas.”

She was married to Thorin after all, some of his craziness had to have rubbed off.

 

***

 

Bilba took Ori with her and entered Erebor, citing they’d be less likely to be seen if it were just the two of them.

Not to mention Thorin would never expect her to do something so flat out crazy.

Which, again, married to the guy so he totally _should_ expect that but whatever.

“This place is so _cool_ ,” Ori hissed and Bilba nodded in agreement. The inside of Erebor was designed as a series of platforms with steep stairs connecting them.

“What’s that?” Ori asked, pointing up toward a large, circular platform high over their heads. It was suspended in midair with long bridges connecting it to the walls.

“Throne,” Bilba answered. “Thorin likes to sit in it sometimes and order people around. They mostly ignore him.”

Every so often they would do a scenario where Erebor had been taken over and Thorin had to reclaim it. Once, before Rule 3 had been instituted, Dis had positioned Bilba on the throne to pretend to be the leader while she had worked behind the scenes. Bilba was _supposed_ to shoot anyone who approached, which should have been easy seeing as how there was no way to get to the throne without walking across the bridges in the open, unless you were Thorin and used a sniper.

Leading to the creation of Rule 30 – No snipers.

Regardless, that particular time what was _supposed_ to happen was Thorin would walk across the bridge because he was a cocky bastard who was convinced his wife wouldn’t be able to shoot him even though it was just a paintball and he was wearing armor and then Bilba _would_ shoot him because it _was_ just a paintball and he was wearing armor and he would never live it down and she would live in infamy as the person who took down Thorin.

That was what was _supposed_ to happen.

What had _actually_ happened was Thorin had walked across the bridge because he was a cocky bastard who was convinced his wife wouldn’t shoot him even though it was just a paintball and he was wearing body armor and…annnnnnnnd……….he was right.

On the flipside, he hadn’t shot her either because, while he was a cocky bastard, he wasn’t an _idiot_.

Instead he’d thrown her over one shoulder and simply walked back out.

Cocky bastard.

She frowned, looking up again toward the platform. She and Ori were currently heading down a long set of stairs toward the Treasury located on the lowest level. Usually Thorin would put someone up on the throne platform, hiding behind the fancy chair to surprise anyone coming in. They’d seen no sign of anybody though, apparently her husband didn’t believe her capable of doing awesome things like coming into Erebor itself.

He probably thought she was cowering in Dale and he’d have to personally come after her…

Movement came from ahead of them, on one of the low platforms between staircases and then Fili was stepping out from behind a column, his marker already up and aimed at them.

…or maybe Thorin had simply decided to mix things up for a change so he didn’t become predictable…

Damn it.

Fili hesitated for just an instant, trying to decide which of them to take out first, and Bilba jumped on it.

“IfYouShootUsI’llTellThorinYouDroveTheAudi!” She blurted, just barely remembering to keep her voice down.

Fili’s eyes widened. “You said I could drive it!”

“Oh, like that matters,” Bilba said. “You know how he is about that car. He barely tolerates _me_ driving it.”

Fili was gaping at her. “You – no – that’s not--”

Bilba didn’t give him a chance to work it out in his head. She darted forward, ducked under his marker and threw her arms around his waist.

“What are you doing?” Ori asked in confusion behind her.

Bilba turned her head as much as she could and grinned at the other woman. “Fili’s one of Thorin’s best players too. He’s just as good as Dwalin.” She tightened her grip on him as she spoke. Fili was twice her size and could get her off him if he wanted but not without hurting her in the process. She knew he wouldn’t risk it so, as long as she was holding onto him, he was effectively trapped.

“Dwalin?” Fili said. “You wanted Dwalin? How did you think you were – oh, right.” He studied Ori, one arm absently going around Bilba as he did. “I get it.”

“You get what?” Ori said.

“Nothing,” Bilba cut in. She unwound one arm and tugged on his arm. “Weapon, gimme.”

Fili hesitated and then proceeded to give her a truly wicked grin. Bilba felt her own eyes widen as Fili calmly pulled the trigger on his weapon, sending a paintball sailing straight out to splat right on the red light in the center of Ori’s chest. It immediately started flashing, registering a direct hit.

That…that was _not_ how her epic and brilliant plan was supposed to end.

It just _wasn’t_.

Clearly Thorin’s underhandedness had rubbed off on his impressionable young junior bastard nephews.

Bilba smacked him on the chest, hurting her hand in the process because, armor. “You jerk! This was her first time playing!”

Fili was unrepentant. “I’m pretty sure she lasted longer than you did on your first game, or so the story goes.”

Bilba glared at him, and made a mental note to challenge the entire Durin family to an Alpha War just to get a contract signed forbidding the telling of that particular story ever again.

Voices sounded from down below and it occurred to her that she might just have yelled at him using her outdoor voice and not her sneaking into enemy territory voice. She pushed on Fili until he turned around to face the direction of the Treasury. Bilba immediately put herself behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist again.

“Are you really using me as a human shield?” Fili asked.

“Shut up,” Bilba ordered. “Shields don’t speak.”

Ori stepped up next to her, frowning at the paint splattered on her harness. “So does this mean I’m dead?”

“Unfortunately,” Bilba said. “Fili _could_ have just shot you in the arm but he’s a jerk.”

Fili snorted, “Says the woman blackmailing her nephew _and_ using him as a shield.”

“That’s called strategy,” Bilba muttered, then shut up as Thorin appeared walking up the steps, the rest of his team behind him.

Bilba spotted Dwalin and an idea formed. “Oh, Dwalin!” she called innocently, “I’m afraid Ori’s been mortally wounded. Perhaps you’d be so kind as to escort her to the Treasury so she’d be more comfortable?”

Thorin shook his head, amused. Dwalin, meanwhile, had gone red. He nodded gruffly at Ori and she moved over toward him, shooting an apologetic look at Bilba as she did. “Sorry I wasn’t much help.”

“No worries,” Bilba said brightly. “We play normal wars all the time so it won’t be long before you can try again!”

Ori noticeably cheered up and turned to happily follow Dwalin down the stairs back toward the Treasury.

“So, Thorin,” Bilba said smugly, “looks like you’re the first one to be a man down.”

“Really?” Thorin said, one eyebrow lifting. He leaned against a column, crossing his arms over his chest. “And how do you figure that?”

“Because Fili isn’t out yet and I’m going to convert him,” Bilba said happily.

“I could just shoot him,” Thorin said.

“Hey!” Fili straightened in outrage.

“Rule 25,” Bilba said in a singsong voice, “no shooting your own team members.”

Thorin rolled his eyes. “This game has entirely too many rules.”

“Well, that’d mostly be your fault now wouldn’t it?” Bilba shot back. She tightened her grip on Fili and moved backward. He sighed and obediently moved with her.

Thorin frowned. “What are you doing? She’s like a shorter version of a Powerpuff Girl. Just stand still. Better yet, walk over here with her, we can end this right now.”

Bilba leaned over enough to stick her tongue out at her husband. “I won’t forget that you jerk!”

He smirked. “You can punish me for it later, Sweetheart.”

Kili, standing next to him, looked traumatized while Frerin was trying not to laugh and failing miserably.

Bilba felt her face go red hot and she jerked behind Fili again, grumbling under her breath as she dragged him backward.

“Alright,” Thorin said, his eyes narrowing, “what’s she got on you?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Fili said, innocent as the day was long. “I’m just being well mannered.”

It was a pathetic excuse, even Bilba knew it.

Thorin looked even more suspicious. There wasn’t much he could do about it, however. He couldn’t shoot her with Fili in the way and he couldn’t shoot his nephew thanks to the rules. He also couldn’t rush her and try to drag her away from Fili for the same reason Fili couldn’t break away, he might hurt her.

Being small did have its perks.

She squeezed Fili happily and continued dragging him back.

“I’m not a stuffed animal you just won at the fair,” he said in exasperation.

“Silence,” Bilba ordered. “Prisoners don’t talk.”

“Congratulations, Fili,” Thorin called as he and Bilba started going up the stairs toward the upper levels, “you managed to get yourself kidnapped twice in one day. Good luck living that down.”

Fili’s only response was to sigh.

Bilba’s was to happily squeeze him again.

She was an awesome kidnapper.

 

***

 

Bilba had no doubt Thorin wouldn’t wait for an hour to pass. She wouldn’t be surprised if he was already on his way, after taking a few seconds to come up with some insane, harebrained scheme.

“We should head out,” Dis said, “before he comes into the city and blocks us in.”

Bilba nodded absently. They were gathered inside, the doors shut and barred. Fili had been set on the floor against the wall, his hands tied in front of him using the rope that came in the small kit each team had been given. The kits included helpful items like extra ammunition, ropes, radios and emergency candy bars. Bilba was currently chewing on one while sitting on Fili’s legs to keep him from trying to surge to his feet and run away.

“What do we do with Fili?” Bilba asked. “If we just leave him here he’ll escape and come up behind us and it’d be a bit awkward to drag him around with one of us.”

Dis grinned evilly. “Rule 12.”

“Rule 12?” Bofur said in frown. “Rule 12 is we’re not allowed to hide a team member in an attempt to win through default. What’s that got to do with Fili?”

“He’s not a team member,” Dis said with a smirk. “He’s a prisoner. It’d make perfect sense to hide him, and if he just so happens to still be there in an hour--”

“See?” Bilba said, “That’s why I knew I was going to win. I had you on my team.”

Fili groaned and lightly banged his head on the wall behind him. “I’m about to be profoundly bored, aren’t I?”

Dis shrugged. “That’ll teach you to betray your mother for a video game.”

 

***

 

Much later, Bilba found herself crouching behind one of the blocks of stone on the plain, idly chewing on her lower lip as she listened to the total and complete silence that was everyone trying to be sneaky and shoot everyone else with high powered paintballs.

So far Thorin had lost Gloin to friendly fire when Oin, who didn’t hear as well as he once had, had been startled at the wrong moment and had fired without thinking. Oin had then been picked off by Dis who’d followed the sound of Gloin yelling over being shot by his brother. Bofur and Bifur had somehow managed to take each other out and Thorin had picked off Nori and Balin and added in Dori and Bombur almost as an afterthought.

After each one, Vili had dutifully come on over the loudspeaker and reported each loss.

Bilba had been in one position and was starting to cramp up. She stood up and started to shake out her leg, only to shriek in surprise as arms suddenly grabbed her. Her back hit the stone slab behind her, hands holding her upper arms. She caught a brief glimpse of Thorin’s face and then he was kissing her, one arm sliding around her back and dragging her body up against his.

The loudspeaker came to life. “Violation of Rule 2,” Vili’s voice reported, sounding resigned, “Row 13, Column 8. Temporary ceasefire.”

Thorin pulled away and Bilba gasped in oxygen, her hands clutching at Thorin’s arms. He grinned. “So, still unsure if I’m a fantastic kisser or not?”

“I might be willing to concede that point,” Bilba said, still catching her breath.

“Good,” Thorin said, clearly pleased with himself. He leaned in and pressed his forehead against hers. “Now, where was I?”

“Um,” Bilba considered, “my tonsils, I think?”

Thorin frowned. “I thought you had those removed.”

“They grew back,” Bilba said.

Thorin looked confused. “They can do that?”

“Mine did,” Bilba absently moved her hands along his upper arms as she spoke. Thorin liked to work out and, as such, was in exceptionally amazing, fantastic, superb shape.

Bilba very much approved.

“Hmm,” Thorin said, “let me check again.”

He started to kiss her a second time only to shout in outrage as Frerin and Dwalin were suddenly there, grabbing his arms and dragging him back.

As they did, Dis arrived and pulled Bilba away. She wailed, reaching out for Thorin. “Wait! I was interrogating him!”

“Knowing how many cavities he has won’t help us,” Dis said dryly.

“Hey!” Thorin shouted, overhearing. “I’ll have you know I have perfect teeth!”

“He does,” Bilba said sagely. “I can verify this.”

Dis shook her head. “You two. The rest of us use Alpha Wars to settle arguments or exact vengeance. Only the two of you would use it as foreplay.”

“We haven’t been married that long,” Bilba argued, “we’re still in the honeymoon phase.”

“I have a feeling,” Dis said dryly, “you’re going to be in the honeymoon phase for the next forty years, if not longer.” She pulled Bilba around a stone slab and faced her. “It’s almost been an hour. You should go get Fili. I’ll try to hold the others off.”

Bilba nodded. “Okay. Who’s left?”

Dis raised an eyebrow. “Not paying attention were you? It’s just me and you, and Fili if you can get to him. Thorin’s still got Dwalin, Kili and Frerin.”

“Oh,” Bilba said, “that’s not good.”

“That,” Dis said, “is why you need to go get my son unless you want to just apologize to Thorin now. If we get Fili it’ll at least be three against four instead of two against four.”

And one of those two being her, Bilba thought, which wasn’t exactly helpful.

“Alright,” Dis had brought the kit with her and had it sitting at the base of the slab she’d dragged them around. She crouched and retrieved the extra ammunition, shoving it in her pockets before nodding at Bilba. “Let’s see how big a distraction I can be shall we?”

Bilba nodded, hefting her own weapon. “I’ll be back soon. Hold out until then!”

“I’ll certainly try,” Dis replied.

 

***

 

Bilba collapsed on the stairs leading into the watchtower and leaned over, struggling to catch her breath.

Really, whose bright idea had it been to build the thing at the top of a freaking really steep hill?

Oh, right, that’d be the exercise nut she’d married.

Mr.-Why-Run-Six-Miles-When-You-Can-Run-Eight?

Of course, she couldn’t complain about the results so there was that.

She checked her watch and noted the hour was nearly up. Taking a deep breath, she pushed to her feet, turned around and promptly groaned at the sight of even more stairs leading up into the tower. Seriously, she wasn’t _that_ out of shape. Maybe she didn’t run as much as Thorin did but she still worked out.

Clearly she needed to start being a little more serious about it.

She made her way inside and trudged up the stairs, ending finally at the large room at the top. Half of the wall was missing, giving the tower the appearance of an old, half crumbled ruin. Fili was against one of the back walls, his hands still tied in front of him in one of the complicated knots only Dis could produce. He was staring at another portion of the wall and Bilba imagined he’d been passing the time talking to his father via one of the personal intercoms attached to the camera. Dis, she noted, had made sure to put her son in direct view of the camera in case he needed help for any reason.

It was a game after all and all of them took great care to ensure nothing ever resulted in injury. The occasional bruise or cut did happen but, so far, no one had ever been really hurt. Even Thorin, when designing the complex, had hired professional stunt people to come in and put in every safety feature they could possibly think of…and had then ordered them to think up some more and put those in too.

“About time,” Fili said. “If I had to hear about how Dad and Mom met one more time…”

“You’re just jealous,” Vili’s voice came over the loudspeaker.

“More like nauseated,” Fili said back, “seriously, Dad, poetry?”

“It worked didn’t it?”

Bilba rolled her eyes. “We’re not talking about poetry, we’re talking about beating Thorin.”

“Are we?” Vili asked. “You might be in trouble with that. Dis managed to take out Frerin but she revealed her position in doing so and got tag teamed by Dwalin and Thorin.”

Bilba froze. “And just when were you planning to tell me that?”

“Right now. Sorry, Bilba.”

He was so not sorry.

Bilba untied Fili and then tugged on his arm. He stood up and she pulled him over to the ledge overlooking the outside of the tower. Below she caught sight of Thorin, Kili and Dwalin striding toward them. She had no idea how they’d known where she was…other than Thorin knew her a little too well…there should be a rule about using ones knowledge about ones spouse against them. She made a mental note to look into it, later.

“Don’t move,” she ordered Fili. She started to crouch, then had a better idea. “On second thought, you do this.” She handed him her marker and pointed toward the three. “Take care of them for me.”

He raised an eyebrow. “It hasn’t been an hour yet.”

“I haven’t told Thorin about the Audi yet,” Bilba said. “Besides, there are no rules against a player flat out turning traitor before the hour is up.”

“True enough,” Fili conceded. He knelt and raised the marker, aiming carefully. “Wait,” he said, pausing, “there is a rule against shooting your own teammate.”

Bilba frowned. “What about if you aim and I pull the trigger?”

Vili’s voice came over the intercom. “Taking a page from Thorin’s book now are we?”

Bilba ignored him. “Hurry,” she hissed at Fili, “they’re going to be out of sight!”

Fili rolled his eyes but obediently aimed. Thorin was blocked by Kili and Fili didn’t want to shoot his brother so he aimed at Dwalin. Bilba knelt behind him and pulled the trigger, watching as the paintball flew out.

It hit Dwalin on the upper left arm, just barely managing to splatter on the light on his bicep. It lit up, symbolizing his arm being out of commission and he switched his marker to his other hand. Before he could do anything she pulled the trigger several more times, finally managing to get the light on his chest to go off.

“Your aim sucks,” she said to Fili.

“My aim was perfect,” he shot back. “Your firing sucks.”

Something made a splat sound and Bilba felt cold flecks of something hit her face.

“Oops,” Fili said beside her, “it’s just possible we weren’t crouched low enough.”

He moved and Bilba felt her mouth drop open at the sight of paint covering his center light.

“It hasn’t been an hour,” she shouted at Thorin who merely raised his arm and watch in response.

“Hour and twenty seconds, Love, he’s fair game.”

Bilba looked at him and made a quick, strategic decision.

She ran like the wind.

 

***

 

She ended up in the ruins behind the tower. They were supposed to be the remnants of barracks and other buildings associated with the tower. Thorin had done an excellent job designing them and Bilba always found herself imagining them whole with people in them everywhere even though she understood logically the ruins had never been anything more than what they were currently.

She reached the outer edge of the ruins, located next to a fake frozen river that was comprised of actual frozen water because Thorin was a sticker for details and an overachiever, and knelt down. Her breath was coming faster and her nerves were refusing to settle down.

“You know I can’t stand being chased!” she shouted.

“I do know that,” Thorin’s voice came from above her, “which is why I made it short.”

Bilba screamed in shock, her heart leaping into her throat. Thorin jumped down easily from where he’d been standing on the roof over her, and she immediately leapt up, threw her arms around him, and buried her face against his chest which was sad since it was his fault that she was scared in the first place but, whatever.

She really did suck at these games, at least when she didn’t have Thorin with her. She couldn’t handle being chased or shot at without Thorin there to back her up. It was one of the main areas where she and Dis were different and where the two of them meshed so well as best friends. Dis would happily take on any and all threats, leading to her being suspended at least twice in school protecting Bilba from bullies. Bilba, on the flipside, was usually the one dragging Dis back at least a little so she didn’t go too far and end up getting hurt, or expelled as the case may be.

Thorin was just as bad but there hadn’t been many opportunities for him to have to really protect her in their adult years or for her to have to protect him from himself, aside from the wars at least.

Soooo…really…Rule 3 was kinda for her as much as it was for Thorin. He couldn’t handle her shrieking without shooting everyone and she couldn’t play at all, really, without him.

Damn it.

She tightened her grip on him and turned her head to the side, relaxing with a resigned sigh. Thorin had already wrapped both arms around her.

“Where’s Kili?”

“Talking to Fili last I saw.” He pulled back enough to grin at her. “So, is this a good time to tell you I got your ring off you the last time we met?”

She’d forgotten about the ring she’d shoved into a pocket. It was another, rarely used, way to win, adding a capture the flag element to the game. Effectively, it meant Thorin had won the second he’d gotten it but he’d kept playing because he was Thorin and it was what he did.

Bilba tilted her head back to look up at him and gave him a wide eyed look. “Well, I don’t know, Thorin,” she said sweetly, “would it be a good time to tell you I got your shiny, stupid Arkenrock off _you_ when last we met?”

Honestly, why he insisted on _naming_ the stupid thing she would never know.

His eyes narrowed and he put a hand in his pocket, checking.

Then he grinned, broadly. “Well _done_ , you’re getting better at this.”

“I learned from the best,” Bilba said.

He raised an eyebrow. “Does that mean I get credit for it?”

“Not on your life,” Bilba quipped. “So, now what?”

Thorin shrugged. “I guess we could go look at the video and try to figure out which of us got the other’s token first.” He grinned. “Or we could disregard it altogether and go with who still has the most people on their team.” A gleam entered his eye. “ _Or_ we could have a final showdown between the two of us.”

Bilba chewed on her lower lip. “How about…how about I agree that maybe, juuuuuust maybe I might have been a teensy bit misguided on the kidnapping and _you_ admit you were stubborn on the argument that started it all and shouldn’t have taken off to stay at Frerin’s for a week?”

“Not even two days,” Thorin correctly dryly.

“Whatever,” Bilba said. “Speaking of which, what was the argument about anyway?”

She might as well admit it, he clearly already knew she didn’t remember.

He shrugged, “I believe it was about what the dragons on Game of Thrones should be named.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Bilba said, “You said--”

“Let’s agree to disagree on that one,” Thorin cut in, “we don’t want to start all over again.” He considered. “What about the other deals?”

“Still in effect,” Bilba said. “I’ll go with you to the stupid Super Bowl and all the rest, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.”

“Agreed,” Thorin said cheerfully.

“Really?” Vili’s voice came over the loudspeaker. “That’s it? Admit it, you just wanted to have an Alpha War and Bilba just got in over her head.”

“No comment,” Thorin and Bilba said simultaneously.

With that Thorin slid an arm around Bilba’s waist and they began to head back to the locker rooms. As they passed the watch tower Bilba saw no sign of Fili or Kili and frowned but didn’t comment.

It wasn’t until she got to the locker room that she stopped in surprise. It was empty, the open locker at the end open and a row of harnesses hanging up neatly. Everyone had not only already been through but they had left.

Bilba felt her spirits fall and her shoulders slumped.

Arms slid around her from behind and Thorin pulled her back against his chest, resting his chin on the top of her head. “What’s wrong?”

“They all just left,” Bilba said, looking at the ground. “First they forget my birthday, then they don’t even wait to see how the Alpha War ended and then they don’t even say good-bye.”

“Hmmm.” Thorin turned her around, put a finger beneath her chin and lightly lifted her head until he could look her in the eyes. “Who forgot your birthday?”

“You know who,” Bilba said. “All of them did.” She hooked her fingers through the straps of his harness and pulled on him. “Except you,” she mumbled.

Thorin grabbed her hands and interlaced their fingers. “Are you sure about that? That they all forgot?”

Bilba gave him a dry look. “Pretty sure. No one called or texted or e-mailed all day.”

“Maybe they were waiting for something,” Thorin said.

“What?” Bilba asked.

Thorin only looked smug in response. “Come on, get changed. I’m going to go close up the control room.”

He stepped away and then meandered out, tossing the Arkenrock in the air and catching it as did.

The Arkenrock that had been in her pocket five seconds earlier.

Bilba shook her head at her husband’s antics but turned to get changed out of her harness and armor. Once done she tidied up the locker room and then sat on one of the benches.

Thorin came in a few minutes later and got changed as well. He hefted the gear in one hand and then snagged her around the waist with the other. “Shall we?”

Bilba nodded and they started out to the car. Thorin loaded everything and soon they were off again heading back toward home.

Bilba yawned and settled back against the seat with her eyes closed. It had been a long day regardless of what Thorin said and it had been a long night the night before.

She didn’t rouse until she felt the car stop and Thorin’s hand on her arm. She blinked, trying to clear her head, and sat up to see they had pulled into the driveway of their home.

Thorin got out and came to open her door and, as he did, Bilba frowned to see multiple cars parked there. “Why is everyone here?” she asked as she got out.

Thorin shut the door. “I don’t know. Let’s go find out shall we?”

Bilba gave him a suspicious look but obediently followed him inside.

The first thing she saw upon entering was Smaug, sitting in the center of the coffee table, glaring at her.

He did not like it when a lot of people came over, they tended to ignore him and it disrupted his belief that he was the center of the universe.

Other than him the room was empty.

“They must be in the basement,” Thorin said, lightly taking her arm. “Come on.”

“You’re not going to lock me in the basement to get back at me, are you?” Bilba asked.

“Alpha War,” Thorin reminded her, “we already took care of all of that, remember?”

They went through the garage and Thorin grabbed the doorknob to the basement and pulled it open. Bilba expected to hear everyone talking but, to her surprise, it was completely silent. The lights weren’t even on.

“Are they not there?” she asked Thorin. “Where is everyone?”

“I don’t know,” Thorin said. “Let’s find out.”

He stepped behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. He guided her forward onto the top of the stairs and then reached over and flipped on the light switch.

“Happy Birthday!” a chorus of shouts rang out and Bilba gasped at the sight of everyone gathered in the basement below. Streamers had been strung up along with a giant banner wishing her a happy birthday. Presents were piled on the coffee table and, on the kitchen counter behind them, she saw a large cake. There was a pot boiling on the stove and she could smell several different delicious aromas coming from the kitchen.

Thorin wrapped his arms around her shoulders and leaned in close to her ear. “The plan was for me to take you to dinner and then bring you to the party at Dis and Vili’s home. Imagine my surprise when it all got derailed by my wife deciding to get spectacularly drunk.”

He nudged her gently down the stairs and Bilba went down to be immediately dragged into a massive group hug.

“It was so hard not to say anything!” Dis wailed, hugging her. “We expected to see you last night and spent the whole day getting ready so we never said anything. Then Thorin wanted to still do the surprise so we _still_ couldn’t say anything so you wouldn’t get suspicious and it was _awful_!”

“It’s okay,” Bilba said, hugging her back. “The important thing is it’s all Thorin’s fault.”

With that she turned around, threw both arms around his neck and kissed him hard. “Thank you.”

He grinned and stepped back. “Alright,” he said clapping his hands together. “Surprise Party 2.0 is ready to commence!”

With that the entire group launched into a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday”. Thorin stepped behind her again to wrap both arms across her shoulders and she leaned back against him, holding onto his forearms.

“What do you think?” Thorin’s voice asked in her ear, “Alpha War against Frerin next to get any other copies of that video he might have?”

Bilba tilted her head back to look up at him. “You and me together again?”

“Absolutely.”

She grinned. “You’re on. Frerin won’t know what hit him.”

She nodded to herself and went back to listening to the others.

It would be epic, she decided…and wouldn’t require any kidnapping which was always a plus.

Frerin would rue the day he crossed her, _rue_!

“I should skip the Alpha War and just make him babysit Smaug,” she muttered under her breath.

Thorin chuckled. “Now that’s just cruel and unusual, Sweetheart.”

Bilba considered and then conceded. “Fair enough.”

There were, after all, a few lines that not even Durins should cross.

A very few, but a few.

The song ended and the group broke up, some heading to the kitchen to work on getting dinner ready while others began rehashing the Alpha War. Bilba told them about how it had ended in a draw, much to their surprise, and Thorin immediately challenged them all to an Alpha War to prove he hadn’t lost his edge.

Dis brought over the first plate, a delicious looking steak and potatoes, and Bilba sat down on the couch to take it. She studied the group gathered around her and let out a breath of happiness.

All in all, the whole kidnapping thing had worked out pretty well in the end.

Perhaps she should do it more often.

Though with less not-tea next time.

Much less not-tea.

 


End file.
